Selfishness: The Needy and the Greedy

Selfish folk take, take, and take, in their relationships.  These self-centered folk complete the entire sphere of what it means to be selfish.

Let’s review selfishness from a psychological “Pleasure Principle” perspective.

“The id strives for immediate gratification of all desires, wants, …..If we were ruled entirely by the pleasure principle, we might find ourselves grabbing things we want out of other people’s hands to satisfy our own cravings.  The ego is the component of personality that is responsible for dealing with reality. According to Freud, the ego develops from the id and ensures that the impulses of the id can be expressed in a manner acceptable in the real world…..The superego is the aspect of personality that holds all of our internalized moral standards and ideals that we acquire from both parents and society–our sense of right and wrong.  According to Freud, the superego begins to emerge at around age five.”  http://psychology.about.com/od/theoriesofpersonality/a/personalityelem.htm

The superego emerges at around age five?  This means that reaching to the Superego level would allow the selfish to be a little less self-centered, and bring more value to the relationship.

If we look at selfishness, through the eye of the id personality, we can argue that selfishness just may be an under developed characteristic that self-centered folk need to develop to reach the “Superego” level.  Under developed?  I think so!

There are many reasons why the selfish need to develop.  They drain your emotional well-being.  As soon as something does not go their way, they go on an emotional roller coaster, because they lack self-esteem.   They lack self-esteem because they are powerless to control their situation.

Being selfish means they rely on the goodness of his/her partner.  (The selfish are rarely with the selfish.)  They create an illusionary world about themselves, through materialistic means.  They are usually shallow, materialistic and cannot think their way to a solution, except through the giving or generosity of their partner.  This makes them ungrateful.

They have a need to be center stage, because, it makes them feel a specialness they neither earned nor worked for.  When they are not center stage, they resent the one in the light.

They rely on their Giver (the partner) so they never acquire the skill to be self-reliant.  This explains, in part, why they are so weak and cannot take the hard blows of life.  In them lacking the skill, they also lack the will, so they thrive on the good will of their partners, who are usually the Givers in their lives.

They are prone to jealousy.  Due to their lack of self-confidence, they identify in you what they do not have, and will resent you for just being you.  This makes them competitive.

They use their partners.  Notice I mention the word “use”.  When you do not appreciate kindness, and you accept that kindness without gratitude, you are a user.

They are a liability.  Not an asset.  There is always some pitiful excuse on why they cannot do for you, but have no problem in the “can” of taking what you do for them.

They are insecure.  Insecure because they lack strength!  So if you are a strong person, they will cower to you, or sit back brooding in silence in certain situations.  Strength puts them in an unfamiliar place, so they resent you for being strong.

Stop giving and providing for them, and watch them pull back.  They no longer want to be your partner or even your friend.  When you fail to provide what they want and need, they will harbor anger, resentment and even fragments of hatred towards you.

If you are in a relationship with a selfish person, he/she will always be in need.  It will be difficult differentiating if they love you for you, or if they love you because you are simply satisfying their wants and needs.  You may find that love is not the driver in the relationship.  Are you only fulfilling their materialistic needs or are you in a fulfilling relationship?

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About dontdestroyrelationship

I am passionate about Relationships. To be in a Relationship you need skills. Some of the best skills to have are: a creative perspective, strategy in developing a win-win for both sides, be able to speak and receive honest communication, stay persistent, yet calm in conflict, some negotiation skills, and humor. These skills and more you need--- without emotion. If you have logic as the primary and emotion as secondary, there is nothing you cannot overcome in a relationship. I tell you how you bring destroyers into your relationship. Join me! It is a fascinating and revealing journey.
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