Abandonment Issues Create Relationship Failure

Abandonment Issues2

I was in a conversation for 3 hours during my Chicago visit with 3 very interesting men talking about relationships.  I love talking to men, because the conversations are raw, no holds barred, unemotional and straight in your face.

One of them explained how he got involved with a woman and 5 months later decided not to be with her, because he was no longer sexually attracted.

He proceeded to say she wanted sex seven days a week, which he thought was a bit extreme, especially since he did not feel any intimate or emotional connection between them.  He felt she tried to over sex him to ensure he would not stray, because she was very insecure and had abandonment issues.

I found it interesting that she was so involved in her ulterior motives and did not work to strengthen her insecurities, therefore she could not emotionally connect with him.  She was using sex as a smoke screen to hide her insecurities and in doing so this became a turn off for him.

Not only did he stray, he broke off the relationship.

Our reasons for breaking up a relationship can be traced back to what we did not do in the beginning.  We do not take the time to set up a solid foundation from the on start of the relationship, and we do not talk about the necessary things in order to have enough information about each other in order to decide if we would be good together.

If we do not ask the right questions and if we do not know specific information about a person, we are not able to make any sort of sensible decisions in having a relationship.

We should engage in conversations with a potential partner regarding his/her childhood.  A great deal of our childhood shapes us as adults.  Having a positive or negative view about life will impact the support in the relationship, and how the relationship is viewed, whether negative or positive.  If we do not ask about their challenges in life, we cannot deduce if that person will go through the rough times with us.  If we do not understand what he/she is strong in, we cannot analyze how those strengths can best serve in the relationship.  If we have no idea of the weaknesses, we will not be able to gauge how those very weaknesses will create the problems in the relationship.  Not knowing anything about his/her emotional intellect just may leave us having to bear their emotional burdens because they lack emotional strength.  This will leave us drained and having to provide additional emotional support in the relationship.  If that person is broke all the time due to bad spending habits, this will impact us socially and financially, depending on how many times we may have to foot the bill, or having to bail him/her out of different money matters.

If we are trying to solve our abandonment issues by jumping into a relationship; or if we are only trying to fill our fear of being lonely by being in a relationship, rather than exploring why we fear, these very same issues will prevent us from making sensible decisions on the success or failure of the relationship.  Without careful consideration, the relationship has a 90% chance of losing.

In this particular case, this gentleman was able to see through this woman, and her issues.  She was not trying to fix them, she was only pacifying them.  In her not addressing her issues, and using sex as a tool to control whether he stays or goes, he felt an emotional disconnect with her instead.

Ultimately, he ended the relationship because of her fear of abandonment, and her fear of being alone.  He could not connect with her, because she never really connected with herself, and she was too busy serving up sex with ulterior motives.

What she was trying so desperately to hold on to, she actually lost it.  This further compounds her fear of abandonment, due to the reality of what she is bringing to herself.  She is perpetuating her own problems, because she will not solve her emotional issues.

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About dontdestroyrelationship

I am passionate about Relationships. To be in a Relationship you need skills. Some of the best skills to have are: a creative perspective, strategy in developing a win-win for both sides, be able to speak and receive honest communication, stay persistent, yet calm in conflict, some negotiation skills, and humor. These skills and more you need--- without emotion. If you have logic as the primary and emotion as secondary, there is nothing you cannot overcome in a relationship. I tell you how you bring destroyers into your relationship. Join me! It is a fascinating and revealing journey.
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2 Responses to Abandonment Issues Create Relationship Failure

  1. Liz Willis says:

    Fantastic read!! Thank you for this, as well! You continue, without hesitation, to capture the hearts of your readers! I think this subject is so paramount today, as there are many individual suffering from abandonment, some from spousal, some from extended family, even some from children.

    You speak on engaging with your partner regarding his/her childhood. That is so significant, in a relationship, as childhood does/can effect you as an adult. The act of dereliction or abandonment to an individual, can strongly effect their (next) relationship.

    Great post!!!

  2. Lynsey says:

    I’ve being reading your posts tonight searching for answers. Man, you get it, you really get it.

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