It is my flaw. My quest. Thus, my punishment. The separation between me, my man, my family, and my friends.
No one cares enough to give it.  Therein lies the division.
UNDERSTANDING is everything.  Folk are just too busy to know someone else, beyond the surface.
To be understood, is my only request. Most times denied. Denied to be superficial-ized in relationships.
Thinking you know who I am without understanding, creates only your perception. It’s not my reality, but your ignorance, and fake-ality. Knowing why I am is to know my story and individual struggle. Knowing why I am takes talking, not chatting, not texting and definitely not yelling.
When you talk about me, it’s painfully clear you are only superficially in my life. When you say you are for me, and you open the doors of your heart, but you keep one locked to control me. Blocking full entry to the real you, tells me we really aren’t family.
When you take from me, and all my labors of love; yet you don’t understand why I am? Then you are just taking, remiss of my goodness towards you. Yet, in my sacrificial labors, (because all true labors are a sacrifice) you choose to misperceive, and be deceived in the truth of who I am and what I am to you?
Giving gives more than what the receiver understands. One deed alone takes time, thought, dedication, finances, selfless love, and self-sacrifice. Which is why so few do it consistently. When I ask if you remember what I’ve done for you, it is only because you’ve clearly forgotten or worse, discarded. And in doing so, you’ve tossed away my love. After that, there is nothing more I can really give.
When you forget that I’ve forgiven, without you asking; and have accepted you back into my life; despite your betrayal, lies, misunderstandings, and self-failings that have impacted your ins and outs of my life— then you’ve not yet learned. Second chances granted in the totality of forgiveness— will not come often in life. If you choose to make accusations, without understanding, then your accusations are simply reflections of what you truly don’t see.
Seeking understanding is my flaw. Self-work is my daily chore, and self-awareness is my homework check list. Did I love you today? Check. Look after you and your own with all my heart? Check. Support you? Check. Did I move forward in trusting you again? Check. Did I give to you? Treated you as good as I treated myself? Held my tongue in fear of hurting you? Go above and beyond for you? Check. Check. Check. And check.
The beauty of understanding is it comes full circle. To understand me is to understand you. You can identify yourself in me and I in you. I’m going to definitely go the distance to understand the whys of you, but understanding is only a two-way street. It cannot be done for both of us— by only one of us.
In understanding, you will know that I am limited to being everything for us and between us. Limited to being the complete answer for you. For us. Your work plus mine is the only way we can truly BE in a relationship. I will always give more than I take. Partaking in my kindness, because you misjudge it as weakness, without reciprocity, will be the downfall for both of us.
How can you really feel my pain, rejoice in my victories, when you can’t see me? How can you love me, and not truly know me? How can you know me, if you don’t understand me?
Did you know the reason I work at being strong is because weakness will destroy me? Or that I give, to a fault, because so many have given to me? I create options, because it is the only way to navigate through life. Do you even know how I’ve arrived at these conclusions?  I love so hard, because my Mom hated me.  So, I ask for understanding, not simple acceptance.
Your lack of understanding also limits your ability to accept your contribution and creation of the problems in our relationship.
Understanding removes judgment and false conclusions.
So, I move forward inspired in life.  Inspiration through information. Like, Kirk Franklin, singing the song “Smile”. Steve Harvey in his lecture of “taking the leap”. Even in what some would find pure entertainment, I receive inspiration. The series “Limitless”. When the senator says something like, “Every time we take NZT, we change. You are so above the things you allow yourself to care about. Lay them down. You will feel lighter.”
And so I will……. lay them down.
I know asking for something as simple as understanding only lies in the few. I’m down with the few.
Without understanding, you and I are only relating (to each other) in the superficial, the shallow, and maybe, even the fake.


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The Question: “Should I Leave Him?”

Your Name? Anonymous:  My man and I are using the same vehicle to commute to work. Yesterday he picked me up late and he bought me a jacket as a ‘surprise’. I think it was a bribe and I raised it with him and he said it wasn’t. Then he tells me he is going out with his friends so he will drop me off at our place-we live together- Our place is further away from where he was going to hang out with his friends. I suggested he drop me of at my parents place which is closer. I asked him what time he thinks he will stay out of which he said around 10pm. When 10pm came, he didnt call and I fell asleep. I woke up this morning still nothing from him, I called him and he never answered his phone. I was forced to catch a cab which I absolutely hate taking. Everybody who is close to me or knows me very well knows I hate being in a cab. He also knows this. He calls me 2 hours later, clearly he had just woken up and asks me where I’m at like WHAT! I tell him I am really upset with him right now and won’t be able to speak to him. He then sends me this soppy text msg apologizing and saying he stayed late with his friends and didn’t want to disrespect my parents by coming in late to pick me up and he overslept. What upset me is 1. I feel he has compromised me over his friends yet again *different scenarios* this is the worse for me. I’m just numb to be honest. One of the friends he was out with just lost his girlfriend and I assumed he should be mourning not partying a storm, funeral is this coming Friday, yesterday was Wednesday-this raised a big concern for me as I’m starting to think maybe he is just like his friend. 2. this man holds a high position and obviously he will be going to work smelling of alcohol, what example is he sending to his juniors, I sometimes go to his workplace and I don’t want to feel embarrassed that I’m dating a drunkard. I have a good job where image is everything so I don’t want to find myself compromising my career because of him. I just feeling numb, don’t know what to do, I feel indifferent about him at this point….should I leave him? I don’t want to live like this where the man that I love treats me as second best, I have a feeling he will keep on doing it.
Hello My Friend:
Your relationship is showing signs of weakness in the area of communication. He says he’s going to be done by 10pm— yet no call, and no answer when you call him the next morning?  Unacceptable.
Yes, he will continue to “compromise” his friends over you. It’s happened before. It happened this week. It will happen again.
I’m leery of men who make their friends 1st choice in the way that neglects home, and the women in their lives. Failing to be there to take you to work is neglecting to take care of you. I would find out why he allowed it to be too late to call, for starters. Where exactly did he sleep? Why didn’t he answer the phone when you called? Why doesn’t he consider you a number 1 priority in his life? Getting to the bottom of these answers will help you decide on what you need to do.
He knows what he’s doing is not fair to you; otherwise why the need to bribe you? I agree with you. The jacket was a bribe. “Forget the bribe Mr. Man!!! Be there for me! Don’t stay out all night! Save your damn money and pick up the phone!
When he goes out with his friends, you need to drop him off and keep the car. He can figure out how to get to work, when he stays out all night. That should be a rule in the relationship. If you are going off gallivanting, then you get dropped off. With as much drinking as he’s doing, he shouldn’t be driving anyway. This will remove the “cab” frustration for you. You need as little frustration as possible to keep your head clear about your relationship.
The excuse about disrespecting your parents—is a crock. He could have called for you, from the car, ready to drive you guys home. He’s showing consideration for your parents, but not for you?!!!!
What could he and his friends possibly be doing, when a girlfriend is dead and her funeral is Friday (today)? In times of loss, we usually appreciate life more and hold the Love of our lives even closer. Particularly, when death has come so close within our inner circle of family and friends. You may want to find out exactly what went on that night. Is he even telling the truth? The answers will help you make a determination.
Clearly, good image is crucial to your life and career. If he’s going to the office wreaking of alcohol and not being an example to his junior subordinates, he does not have high regard for himself, nor his position. If you’re concerned with him being a drunk, then there are some serious issues brewing within him. Good self-image speaks to our inner character and beliefs. Bad self-image speaks to something being broken within.
Do you really love him? Does he love you? Your relationship need some foundational work. Take time to examine what you guys have in each other. You two are not connecting as good as you could.
In summary, your decision should be based on his treatment of you, his esteem of you, his ability and willingness to align with you personally, professionally, honestly, progressively, and lovingly in the relationship.
Love well,
Posted in Actions in Relationship, Questions, Settling | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments