Stubbornness: The Problem in the Relationship

Stubbornness1“Stubbornness is essentially an entrenched resistance to change. And given that life is all about change, stubbornness is effectively a resistance to life itself.”

If stubbornness is a resistance to life itself, then it is a resistance to everything within life, and this includes a relationship.

This is a very destructive trait.  How it works in a relationship is not to be taken lightly.  To make matters worse, the stubborn partner cannot see the destruction, because he/she is blinded by ego, selfishness, pride, rigidity and self righteousness.

It is impossible to change when we are blinded by what we need to change.

The decisions of the stubborn are mostly always non inclusive of their partner.  If he/she allows input, it will be a waste of time, because the stubborn partner only seeks input to have the final say anyway.  This is a form of control.   He/She will have the audacity to say, just for the sake of saying, you were asked to give input.  He/She takes comfort in the fact you were asked.  There is a rebuttal to every way and there is mostly always refute to a new idea.

What is unnerving is he/she never really understands, until it is too late, (if that) the many ways the relationship is being destroyed.  Understanding takes insight, and such a perspective is far from one who has a myopic view.

Insight is no where in sight.

Stubbornness has a mental block to seeing and accepting a different or better way.  So when it comes to trying to create a resolve, the relationship will spin on the same cycle, and with the same unresolved issues.  Resolve can only happen by the approval of the stubborn.

We will find that creativeness, openness and anything relating to newness, renewal, change, modification, and varietal thought or ideas rarely works in the mind of the stubborn one.  Being unmovable is more of what he/she is all about.

Pride is a side affect of stubbornness.  It is a part of the partner’s false sense of self.  The more his/her way is accepted, the more validation of being right he/she feels.

This is how the delusion starts to takes root.

I’ve seen stubborn husbands, wives, and partners in leadership roles.  I’ve seen them in organizations and churches.  Having a position or being in an organization where they are respected embeds and perpetuates their indoctrination of self righteousness.

Stubbornness has the same long term results each and every time: desertion, withdrawal, frustration, relationship failure and ostracization from the ones they Love.  The “I am right” myopic perspective simply becomes unbearable.

The person in the relationship with a stubborn partner, gets tired of the fight, and begins to shut down.  This starts the break down of the communication channel.  Fighting with stubbornness only ends with stubbornness.  It is simply easier to give in.  This poses a bigger problem.  Giving in, creates a false perception of acceptance.  The perception of accepting stubbornness perpetuates the behavior.

In truth, the partner is allowed to be this way.  His/Her partner permits stubbornness. Of course it is more peaceful to accept the stubborn partner’s way.  Now, both partners are the reasons for the relationship failing.  One provides the destruction.  The other allows it.

Being in this relationship means many self sacrifices.  It guarantees a limited experience in enhanced thought, progression and emotion.  Love may be present, but boredom with rule with predictability.  Frustration will dominate the relationship due to inflexibility.  Stubbornness minimizes their partner by making the final ruling on what is and what will be.

Stubbornness appears strong, due to the firmness and rigidity on the stand he/she believes.   But in truth there is weakness, insecurity, and fear to adapting to new environments and continual change.  Being blind to self is one of the reasons why a change cannot come.

These destructive  actions bear the question if the relationship is really built on Love?

Stubbornness has different ways in which it is worn, but the results are still the same.  One variation is outright obstinance and control.  Another is methodical and calm.  Another variation is the stubborn partner, who will listen, with minimal fight or response.  Regardless, you will either feel that you were heard, but adamantly dismissed.   Or there will always be an excuse, along with garbled logic as to why your input was minimized, disregarded or tossed.  Bottom line?  One sided decision.

Try asking the stubborn to shift a focus or a particular view, they will immediately become defensive in thinking you are asking for them to change.

Dealing with this partner type comes with a host of characteristic flaws.  It takes a lot of yielding with minimal and empty returns.  The moodiness of the stubborn is a lot to bear.  Eventually, the time will come, when the yielding partner gets tired of being tired, and simply leaves.

Leaving actually provides a sense of freedom and a new world of unlimited options and possibilities!

There is only a temporary solution, because in the end the long term solution lies in the hand of the stubborn partner who needs to make many changes.  Dealing with a stubborn partner will take lots of patience, humility, a separate life, understanding, and insight to see the layers of insecurity, with the patience to cope, and the hope to hold on for a change or modification in the boxed mind of a partner who is ultimately resistant to life.

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It is my flaw. My quest. Thus, my punishment. The separation between me, my man, my family, and my friends.
No one cares enough to give it.  Therein lies the division.
UNDERSTANDING is everything.  Folk are just too busy to know someone else, beyond the surface.
To be understood, is my only request. Most times denied. Denied to be superficial-ized in relationships.
Thinking you know who I am without understanding, creates only your perception. It’s not my reality, but your ignorance, and fake-ality. Knowing why I am is to know my story and individual struggle. Knowing why I am takes talking, not chatting, not texting and definitely not yelling.
When you talk about me, it’s painfully clear you are only superficially in my life. When you say you are for me, and you open the doors of your heart, but you keep one locked to control me. Blocking full entry to the real you, tells me we really aren’t family.
When you take from me, and all my labors of love; yet you don’t understand why I am? Then you are just taking, remiss of my goodness towards you. Yet, in my sacrificial labors, (because all true labors are a sacrifice) you choose to misperceive, and be deceived in the truth of who I am and what I am to you?
Giving gives more than what the receiver understands. One deed alone takes time, thought, dedication, finances, selfless love, and self-sacrifice. Which is why so few do it consistently. When I ask if you remember what I’ve done for you, it is only because you’ve clearly forgotten or worse, discarded. And in doing so, you’ve tossed away my love. After that, there is nothing more I can really give.
When you forget that I’ve forgiven, without you asking; and have accepted you back into my life; despite your betrayal, lies, misunderstandings, and self-failings that have impacted your ins and outs of my life— then you’ve not yet learned. Second chances granted in the totality of forgiveness— will not come often in life. If you choose to make accusations, without understanding, then your accusations are simply reflections of what you truly don’t see.
Seeking understanding is my flaw. Self-work is my daily chore, and self-awareness is my homework check list. Did I love you today? Check. Look after you and your own with all my heart? Check. Support you? Check. Did I move forward in trusting you again? Check. Did I give to you? Treated you as good as I treated myself? Held my tongue in fear of hurting you? Go above and beyond for you? Check. Check. Check. And check.
The beauty of understanding is it comes full circle. To understand me is to understand you. You can identify yourself in me and I in you. I’m going to definitely go the distance to understand the whys of you, but understanding is only a two-way street. It cannot be done for both of us— by only one of us.
In understanding, you will know that I am limited to being everything for us and between us. Limited to being the complete answer for you. For us. Your work plus mine is the only way we can truly BE in a relationship. I will always give more than I take. Partaking in my kindness, because you misjudge it as weakness, without reciprocity, will be the downfall for both of us.
How can you really feel my pain, rejoice in my victories, when you can’t see me? How can you love me, and not truly know me? How can you know me, if you don’t understand me?
Did you know the reason I work at being strong is because weakness will destroy me? Or that I give, to a fault, because so many have given to me? I create options, because it is the only way to navigate through life. Do you even know how I’ve arrived at these conclusions?  I love so hard, because my Mom hated me.  So, I ask for understanding, not simple acceptance.
Your lack of understanding also limits your ability to accept your contribution and creation of the problems in our relationship.
Understanding removes judgment and false conclusions.
So, I move forward inspired in life.  Inspiration through information. Like, Kirk Franklin, singing the song “Smile”. Steve Harvey in his lecture of “taking the leap”. Even in what some would find pure entertainment, I receive inspiration. The series “Limitless”. When the senator says something like, “Every time we take NZT, we change. You are so above the things you allow yourself to care about. Lay them down. You will feel lighter.”
And so I will……. lay them down.
I know asking for something as simple as understanding only lies in the few. I’m down with the few.
Without understanding, you and I are only relating (to each other) in the superficial, the shallow, and maybe, even the fake.


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