Answer to Questions

December 12, 2016

Your Name? (not a required field): Steven.  Got a question or comment? : why are women stubborn and their relationships I don’t get it

Thank you Steven for reading!

It is clear you’re frustrated. You are generalizing (a bit), and you’ve not provided any information, to support your statement, other than your declaration of stubbornness. When people take the time to write, they elaborate on what has happened, because they are in search of an answer to solve the problem.

That’s not what you’ve done here.

In reading your statement, it is clear you’re not a strong communicator. Perhaps you’ve not communicated enough, and the stubbornness you see is more about communication failure. Your partner’s position may appear to be stubbornness, but it is really about frustration and not stubbornness.

Or, just maybe you’ve created a situation where you are the problem and you just don’t get it?

Your statement is not about reaching a solution, it is more emotional. When things reach a boiling point in your relationship, do you throw your hands up and say you don’t get it, because you make very few feeble attempts to get it? If so, again, your partner may be demonstrating frustration rather than stubbornness.

If you handle your relationship, in the same manner as you have done here, there are a few problems in your relationship in the areas of not only communication but, there is very little to no understanding, very little intimacy and closeness.

May I suggest you remove the veil of stubbornness from your view, and read the situation as it really is. Approach the problem directly and ask your partner to provide a point of view as to what the real problem is in your relationship, and why it is there. When the answer is given, please don’t blurt out a declaration; but really listen.

Love well!

---

 

May 26 2016

Your Name? Anonymous? (not a required field):

Got a question or comment? : “I have caught my boyfriend in bed with his baby mama. I was so hurt by this. He apologized and said we should move on. I am the type of person who likes to talk about things over and over until I am ok and he is not like that this makes us fight even more, I guess I am guilty of over-analysing things. I suffer from rejection issues, my parents left me to live with my aunt at age 5 and there was abuse in that house. I struggled with their decision as my older siblings stayed with them. I have gone for therapy in this regard but sometimes I do feel anger. Back to my boyfriend, he is accusing me of nagging him over issues and he doesnt like that and he says one of these days I will push him to leave me coz he can see I love it when we fight. I tell him it is becoz he does the same things over and over and everytime I forgive him. I found out he is cheating on me with another girl infact 3 times already. I have asked him that we use a condom becoz he is not faithful and he says he uses the condom with other girls but he wont use it with me because he is steady with me and he protects me against them, isnt that messed up? We have gone for HIV testing and results came back negative but I worry about this. He is a very loving guy and he has done things for me that have made me realize he would go to the moon and back for me its just the cheating. My friends says its normal for a man to cheat, I should be greatful he still respects me and he provides for me. Dont get me wrong I do love this man but sometimes I wonder if I am making the right decision with him. He drinks every weekend, loves his friends (he is an only child) and though he invites me to go with him but I want to build a family with him and I dont see myself going through this lifestyle in the near future with kids, being a wife etc. He has talked about marriage and he says he is saving already. I have asked him if this is what he wants becoz he has been married before and he says he is sure. He has 7 kids with different women, 1 daughter is from the previous marriage. I on the other other do not have kids but I have accepted his kids as my own. We go on outings with his kids besides the one he got from the previous marriage. He recently confessed that the child doesnt come with us because he is struggling paying maintanance and so the ex wife denies him his visiting rights. I have asked him to sort the maintanance issue as his child deserves to have a relationship with him. We get on so well but I have identified our stumbling blocks as, Too much boozing, friends which by the way always ask him for money but when he is broke, they are nowhere to be found, the 7 kids, I worry if my family will accept his kids as I have none, infidelity – he says he is protecting me with a condom, will the cheating ever stop? He has openly flirted with a girl whilst out with me and asked for her number, I saw him and came up to him. His excuse was he was drunk. Natalie, I love this man dearly but as I short changing myself here?”

Greetings Miss Awesome!  May I say you must be a pretty awesome person.  The visions you must be having, the mental torment of remembering the man you love, in bed with another woman.  You have the strength of an Amazon Woman!

In what you’ve told me about (The Man), he is the only child; has no sexual discipline or discretion, could be sexing without protection, and creating a concern for HIV.  He has 7 children, been married before, boozing it up every week, struggling/not paying maintenance for his daughter; have flirted with a woman in your presence; (being totally disrespectful in doing so), and using the excuse of drunkenness for doing it.  Lastly, telling you to “move on” from him being caught in bed— even though he has rendered a pitiful EMPTY apology, because he keeps doing the same relational transgression again and again.

Please.  Safety first.  If you are going to sex him, do not ask him— make him wear a condom.  Your concern is a valid one.  If you contract something, you can’t take back.  No man alive is worth you dying for.  You have a life to live.

I know you love him and want things to work out.  Rather than think about marriage, think first on what you are willing to accept.  He cannot give you anything more than what he has so far.  Can he change?  Yes.  Will he?  Not for you.  Even a God in heaven can’t make him change.  He must want to change.  But then, why should he change?  He can commit his relational sex transgressions and still have you.

Have you ever asked him why he cheats?  When you entered the relationship, did you know he was this way?  Or did he become this way?  Something tells me he came into the relationship this way.  Seven children from different women is a red flag.  Please do not be thrilled about him being loving to you.  Being loving is his hobby.

What he does, like “going to the moon and back” doesn’t mean very much if he can’t “go to the moon and back to be faithful”.

You wanting to build a family with him, in his cheating condition is accepting him.  It is quite evident he is not ready—regardless of what he says.  Your acceptance of him is validation.  You are validating him to cheat.  Your validation, in this way, is working against you.

The truth is, we can’t fix him.  Only he has the power to fix himself.  You can get stronger.  You can become more objective with the reality of what you are seeing before you.  You can choose what you want to do.

The real question is, what can YOU live with?  He has not proven to have the ability or capacity to be faithful to you.  You have some options.  You may not like some of them, but they are still there for you to choose.

1. Live with and accept what he does. Protect yourself with a condom. Disregard what he says about “protecting you”. If he was indeed protecting you, he would protect you emotionally from his continual relational sexual transgressions.

2. Begin to emotionally separate yourself from him. You don’t have to do any physical separation like leaving or having him leave. If you begin separating from him emotionally, the physical part will come in time.

3. Continue to address his relational transgressions with him. Continue to do so, until you feel better. If he doesn’t like you having to address what he keeps on doing, (which is his fault in the first place) then he can either get over it and deal with it, or get pushed to leave.

4. Talk to him about having an “open” relationship. Hey…if he can get his groove on, outside of you, let’s balance the scale in your favor. You can get your groove on outside of the relationship too. The situation will no longer be about him cheating, and it will reduce the sting of betrayal.

5. Be a swinging couple. This too balances the scale. Think you can lose him with this option? Well, do you have him 100% now?

6. Dump him like a bad habit. (I know you can’t do that. But it is an option.) Get on with your life and with someone who has your best interest at heart.

Look deep within yourself and ask the question.  If you could have him out of your life, would you?  If the answer is yes, then you can do it.  Just slowly work towards it.  Pull back the goodness, the forgiveness, the sex, and whatever else you do that pleases him.

For a while he won’t notice— at first. He is not that in tune to you.  Otherwise, he would be empathetic to your history of rejection and would know that each time he chooses to cheat— he rejects you.  On the other hand, if you do not want him out of your life, then you have more capacity to tolerate his cheating.  If this is the case, then brace yourself and get ready for his continuance of the same.

Feel free to reach out anytime.  I wish you all the best of Love!

Love Well!

Natalie

Feel free to complete the questionnaire form confidentially.  Here is the link: https://dontdestroyrelationship.com/gotaquestionask/  Problems with the link?  It is on the blog page “Question”?

I will post the answers here.

—-Love Well!  Natalie

 

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May 13, 2016

I took my boyfriends phone and pretended I was him and started chatting to his baby mamma asking that we get back together. I then told him what I did and he was upset, and says he doesn’t understand why I did it. But I told him it is because I don’t trust him and I have caught him chatting with his baby mamma telling her he missed her, the baby momma also said she missed him too. We have been dating for 3 years. I figured I would do him a favor and get them back together. But I still want to be with him, I was feeling hurt and angry. I don’t know what to do whether I should leave or try mend things. I feel really bad about this and scared that I was able to be so conniving.”

May I say I think it speaks well of you to admit going through your man’s phone. It’s quite commendable. Oftentimes, people have a problem with accountability. Kudos to you!

The question is why? Why did you do it? Not so much about the act, but the reason (you say) for doing it. You did it as a “favor,” to help him and his ex-get back together? Girl, let’s never pass out those type of favors. The disadvantage is your attempted favor actually draws them together with something to talk about— you.   You may have become the spectacle and the topic of their discussion.

I’m thinking you may have done that, meaning, going through the dialogue of pretending to be him in order to gauge where those two actually are. Not sure if deep down it was a favor, per se, but more like a feel to see exactly what might be revealed if you stepped in his shoe of discussion with her. What did you learn? Can you use the information?

However, if your man is worth it; and by this I mean if you want to hold on to him; then bring your best self. He doesn’t need to miss anything from an ex. He’s got you. Now if he did indeed say he missed his ex, then you need to bring your game a little harder. You can cover everything he needs and then some. You’ve been together for 3 years. What are you doing to make it last? How are you engaging him as a participant to make you two last for another 3 years? Three years is an accomplishment. What brought you both together this far? Why is he with you and not her? Why did he leave her? The answers are great places to build your continued relational future on.

He has violated your trust. When I say this, I am saying in the spirit of truth—-meaning, assuming you have verifiable proof that he said he misses his ex (baby mama). It looks like you may have violated his trust as well. You both have some “trust” mending to do. Deal with the issues and enjoy the process of healing together. It is self-contradiction to want someone to be trustworthy and then you do things to be untrustworthy. Nothing is worth you compromising your own self-beliefs.

I wish you the best of Love! Keep on loving.

 

Question, June 19 

I’m very confused by developments within the past 4-5 weeks between one of my closest friends and me (he’s my best friend). We’ve known each other professionally for almost ten years. In the beginning when I met him, I think a mutual attraction was just sparking, but I was aware of an age difference (I am 13 years older). Then, he suddenly disappeared, and months later I learned that an ex-girlfriend of his had suddenly reappeared and gotten pregnant, and they’ve been living together with their daughter. Therefore, I forgot all about it.

Eventually, we reconnected as friends and kept communication sporadically. The friendship developed slowly, and has progressed mainly because he has always shown an interest in what I do, has always been supportive, has guided me and boosted my self-confidence to achieve more. He has been instrumental in my career transition, even though he probably doesn’t know to what extent. All this time he has been content to stay in the background.  

On a personal level, he thinks I look better than other women his age, has always been supportive when I’ve been dealing with my insecurities, and has been very responsive in the few occasions where I’ve needed help in an emergency. At one point, I even felt guilty of not doing more for him, as I really appreciate all he’s done for me. About the only contribution from me was to take his calls and texts and listen to him.  He says that I can always count on him. I even joked that I talked to him as if he were a woman friend instead of a man. I’ve always felt proud of our friendship. To be very honest, I always thought that we were that rare pair where there really was no romantic interest. We’ve been true friends.

This is where it gets confusing: About two years ago I talked with him about a brief romance that ended in heartbreak. I noticed that he was uncomfortable about my sharing this with him, but just listened to me and said almost nothing.  I just did not mention anything again. Then a little more than a month ago, I woke up with a strange feeling regarding him. It wasn’t a dream, but a feeling of connection with him, like I felt protected and safe. I shared this with him and he responded a little flirtatious, perhaps he felt flattered. From there, he started texting me and the flirting continued and escalated.

We were suddenly aware of the situation, as he has expressed his fear that crossing this bridge would be disastrous for our friendship. And we both feel that our friendship is important and that we want to keep this bond. Yet we both keep sliding into these intimate exchanges. The sexual tension is overwhelming. I’ve discovered things about my own sexuality that I never even thought about, even though we have not had physical contact!  I have never done this with anyone before. I feel free and safe and let myself go. But at the same time, I know it is not the right thing to do, since he is in a relationship, and I would never want to hurt anybody. I don’t want to be just a fling, much less to him.  I really care about this person!! In our last conversations we had been planning to meet, but I get a sense that he’s somewhat conflicted and so am I.  Where before, it was a non-issue for us to cooperate and see each other, now there’s hesitation. And the strange thing is he’s the one who has been bringing it, and now though I am more willing, he’s also the one keeping it on hold. In the last three days there has been no contact.  I don’t know what to make of this.  

To lose his inspiration in my life would be a huge loss. How should I react if he contacts me again?

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Thank you Anonymous for sharing, and more importantly confronting your feelings.

From what I have gathered from the story you have shared, you are intuitive, have the ability to tap into the vibe of another person, insightful, patient, and you are discovering yourself sexually. As my children say, “Good Deed!”

Your friendship, according to your story has been interesting and you are filled with passion for someone you feel very close to. What adds to your passion is your ability to actually connect with him. And his responses to you are encouraging of what could potentially sexually happen. After all, we all are tempted and want the person we feel most connected to. It may have been that when you shared your experience with him “two years ago” he may have even filled the gap of you getting over your painful breakup.

I have questions regarding this friendship, because in some ways, there appear to be a disconnect; yet you guys just picked up and started your friendship again. For example, why did he just disappear, only to have you learn of his ex-girlfriend being pregnant?

Why did he not address this with you?  Why did he desert you to set up his own life with someone else?  He could have maintained your friendship and be with the woman he has chosen to have a baby with.  He never had to choose.

It could be because he too feels the possibility of being more than just friends, yet in spite of the possibility, he made the choice to impregnate someone else, and then took strategic steps to build a life with the woman who carried his child. He made a choice to leave you, without a word to establish a life with another. He made his priorities clear.

His flirtatious responses indicate that he may not be completely happy and whole, because he would not engage in sexting if he were living in a happy home.

Both of you talking about the friendship and the dangers of crossing that bridge shows you are both consciously aware of the negative repercussions in the friendship, should you go down the path of becoming sexually involved or even having sex just once.

Just so we are clear of the repercussions that could impact your friendship:

• He may have sex with you, and in doing so, feel guilty, and leave again, without a word to you, to get more rooted in the life and the woman he has chosen, and with his daughter.
• Your friendship could become fragmented enough to cause a permanent rift between the two of you.
• If the sex is great, you both will feel guilty. Him for having such great sex, and having to go home to a woman (he has chosen), who does not provide that same satisfaction. You for feeling his guilt. This will diminish your overall sexual experience.
• The sex could potentially not be what you two expected, and you will feel awkwardness in your friendship, changing its dynamics entirely.

If you were both not taking life too seriously, you both would have the ability to recover— regardless of how the sex went. You both could survive with whatever happens and would have an understanding of what your friendship could handle and move forward in the friendship not wanting sex with each other again.   But since you both take life a bit seriously— him dropping off the scene and not telling you that he was doing so, and you feeling his twinge of jealousy over your breakup is evident that your friendship could not survive the repercussions and evolve.

So, if your passion overrides the logic of what could happen, then you will fulfill your passion. If you want to keep in him your life, you will not want to take the risk of potentially changing the dynamics. There is also the woman in his life. This is another whole plethora of things that can actually rise out of you two sleeping together.  Do we need to think about the effects surrounding his baby daughter.  This makes things even more intensely complex.

He has demonstrated he knows how to break away in order to do what he wants/needs to do. He can disconnect physically and emotionally from you.  He has done it.  You may want to follow his lead and disconnect emotionally to do what you need to do and live your love life. This may help you to gain balance in not waiting or more importantly, wanting him as much. Men are so good at disconnecting. We as women need to learn from them.

As for you, you should embrace life more. Really live! Despite your small community, there is a big world out there! Hundreds of people to choose from! Get into life and attract someone in whom you can be sexually free with and more importantly can connect with. Your new found sexual freedom is not limited to one person. Being sexually free is an attitude and way of life, bringing with it the innate ability to identify the inhibitions in other men and being able to choose whom to share your sexual freedom with. Your friend may have opened the portal for you to discover this, but it is up to you to continue to explore and keep the portal open.

Invest your life into life!

Question January 21: (Cont’d from January 18)

“The affair was August 2012, so not quite 2 years ago.  Ends up being just over 1 year.  My new partner states and maintains that the unknowing wife has a right to know and deserves to know.  He thinks it should come from me since I did her wrong.  So, his reason was: that I hurt her with the affair.  Therefore, she deserves an apology from me, to try and make amends because she is an innocent victim.

I would love to make amends but at what cost to her and what’s the repercussions for the wife, if I don’t talk to her.  The repercussions for myself is that my new partner states that unless I talk to her then we are over, will not have a relationship at all with each other, nor will I be able to have any healthy future relationships with anyone else because I’m keeping this secret.  I don’t want to lose my new partner over this, he’s a good, honest man, that treats me better than anyone ever has.  But I’m not sure, I can make that contact with the wife.  I’m not even sure I should.” —Lynn

Hi Lynn:

According to what you have provided, how do you know the wife does not know?

Her husband may have told her in one way or another. He may have apologized for doing her wrong, by telling her what happened exactly, and named you as an insignificant mistake. Or he may have confessed in a way that he strayed without telling her the details.  To be honest, real women don’t even want to deal with the other woman.  Women hold their men responsible. The wife wants to keep you a non factor, even reduce you to a slut, who should be forgotten.

If the husband has done this, why would there be a need for you to re-address it again? What could she gain by hearing from you?   Does she really even want to?

Unless….you and she had a friendship, then that is a whole different situation.

If you were relevant or important enough to the husband, you would have been involved way before now, and would have had to confront what happened.  You forging your way into their marriage, at this stage in time, and in whatever place the marriage is in will be considered intrusive. Your intruding even with an apology will make things worse— for everyone involved.

Your partner still won’t get over it.

That couple may have found Jesus and may have turned their lives around. They deserve the clean slate that salvation and forgiveness provides.

There are too many things  you just do not know and too much time has passed for you to begin to know.  

No one can suffer from an injury, unless they know they have been injured.  How could you have hurt her?  Does she know anything about you, at all?

You are not sure if she was/is an innocent victim. The act between you and her husband may have occurred— not because of his sole sexual short span of an interest in you, but he could have cheated with you because she was cheating on him, or not sexing him and he decided to retaliate with you.  Do you really know if she was the victim or was she a part of the problem that caused the situation?

The husband may have used you.  After all, he still loves his wife and would not leave her for you.  Not saying that you would want him to, but he wouldn’t have anyway.

You don’t know who the victim really was at that time.  It very well could have been you.  You could have been caught up in a couple’s drama.

After all, life has moved on for them without the acknowledgement or mention of you.  Just the way it should be at this point.

You bear no significance in their lives.  They deserve to continue to move on— without you and your interference.  After all, you and your partner is making a past problem a current issue, all because you have unresolved guilt?

I’ve listed the repercussions the wife would suffer at your hand, should you tell her, in my previous response to you.  But let’s not forget her marriage which is a part of her.  She is still in her marriage, because she wants it to work.  Why would she want you barging in her life ruining that hope for her?  Why would you want to?

We aren’t sure with all of the time that has passed, what burdens she may be carrying now— it could be death, problems in her marriage, she could be sick and not telling anyone, or dealing with a sick relative. If there are children involved what home are you uprooting and wrecking for them by creating more problems with an apology she most likely will not accept, nor will it have any sincere meaning for her?  Think about it.  Women who have been cheated on do not give a care about an apology from the other woman.  Most women are angry at the other woman and an apology does not resolve it in a one line sentence.

Currently, you have not spoken to her, and there are no repercussions now.

You, however, are suffering the repercussions, even being giving an ultimatum from someone who would not have known what happened, had you not shared it with him.  So, for your confession you are suffering an ultimatum.  If you were seeking forgiveness, for whatever reason from your partner, it does not appear that you have been forgiven.

With the ultimatum from your partner, it looks like you have no choice, but to do what he is demanding, if you want him in your life.  Keep in mind, his ultimatum is not because he was betrayed by you, and he may not have even been in your life at the time.

Since when is an ultimatum a response to an open confession?

I expressed concern about your Partner’s potential concerns and motives in this situation. He is not a victim, but he is responding as if he is— unless there is something you have not conveyed?

You felt compelled to tell him, and in your confession, which took courage and strength on your part, he is now threatening to leave you?  Is there something I am missing here? This is not logical.

No one can speak for the future. The only future your partner can see is whether he will be a part of it, or not.  If he chooses to leave, your ability to have a healthy relationship will no longer be his concern, nor his right to judge.

When we classify someone as being good or honest, we must know this is not always about the good deeds we do, or our moral system and ethics.  It is also about our heart, intent and ability to use truth in a way that is helpful to all.  Our responsibility as advocates of truth is not to use it as a tool to destroy.  We have a responsibility to use good judgment, when using truth, to edify admonish, inspire and lift up.  We also use truth as a tool to correct, but only in love. If we see that truth will render devastating affects, then we are using it as a tool for destruction.

May I suggest that you and your Partner focus on your relationship?  The details enclosed in this situation indicates that you guys need to build a more passionate, sexual relationship and develop your inner strengths like— forgiveness, confidence, empathy, love, and intimacy.  I am sure you must be disappointed that your current relationship is on the brink of disaster, because of a careless and meaningless fling that not only has happened over a year ago, but has resulted in a married couple still standing, without you and your apology, while your relationship is on the rocks.  This must be confusing for you.  What a horrible place for anyone to put you in.  I am certain you will make the best decision for you.

I wish you all the best in whatever decision you choose.  You have a long road ahead of you.

Question January 18:

“About 2 years ago, I had a weekend affair with a married man.  I was newly separated from my husband.  I was lonely and sad.  The man was having some troubles in his marriage at the time.  I feel bad about it.  I feel like I’m keeping a dirty little secret.  I told my new partner about it and he just can’t get over it.  He thinks that I have to tell the married man’s wife and apologize to her.  In order to cleanse myself of my wrong doing.  He feels that I will never be able to move on into a healthy relationship as long as I’m keeping this secret.  I would love to tell the wife, exactly how very very sorry I am.  But she is not aware of the situation that happened and I think her and her husband are doing better now and I would hate to hurt her again with an affair from 2 years ago and possibly destroy any progress they made with each other to improve their relationship.  Do I contact the wife?”  —Lynn

Hi Lynn:

The answer to your question lies in your conscience and your need to be “cleansed”.  I defer to the decision that lies within you.  I would like to address your answer within, as you move forward, because there are logical logistics you may have considered (or not) that will impact you in many ways.

You have not moved on from that situation, even though it has been two years.  You have unresolved guilt, so this means you have not forgiven yourself.  This is indicative of you having to tell your partner, who had no knowledge of that part of your life.  Mind you, before your confession to him, he may not have had any reason to be concerned about you disrupting his trust.    

Now you risk having his trust in you violated, which is now a pressing concern you must manage and be extremely sensitive to.  Men do not handle a woman’s indiscretion very well.  They are generally forgiving— only if they feel their woman is really really distraught about what has been done.

With him not getting over it, and then telling you that you cannot have a healthy relationship— until you tell the unknowing wife, implies he needs to feel secure that you are willing to pay a price and you have deep regret.  His statement implies your relationship with him will not be healthy until you expose yourself further: or he is saying you will not have any future healthy relationships until you have confronted the wife. 

You must immediately understand your partner’s position and why he has taken the position he has; as this is more critical than anything else. 

In providing forgiveness, the Roman Catholic tradition does this by allowing a private confidential confession, an act of spiritual regret showing that the transgressor is truly and deeply sorry, and the priest absolving that person of the committed sin.   This has worked since the inception of the Catholic religion.  This leads me to believe that forgiveness is not all about, an all out – tell all confession. 

You can choose to confess to the wife with the risk of her not forgiving you.  This will not absolve you of guilt.  In your confession to her you will cause a break in a marriage, and uproot any type of happiness the couple now shares and could share.  A lot of things has happened between them in two years.  If they are not happy, you will create further pain and could put their relationship in chaos.  You will shake the foundation of their marriage.  All of these negative repercussions to resolve your guilt. 

If you are still feeling guilty, you may want to confide in your minister and someone you can trust who has your very best interest at heart. 

Your main concern is your partner.  You cannot change the past, but the present and the future is yours to own while building credibility and trust with him.  You must love him and go beyond to prove to him that what you have done, he does not have to worry about you betraying your relationship with him.  Love him, nurture and provide security to him which will help to create a healthy relationship. 

And lastly, please forgive yourself.  Read Iyanla Vanzant’s book, “In The Meantime” and reposition yourself for the journey of self love.  Remember that self love is encompassed with patience and forgiveness.  Forgiveness begins within first.  How much we love and forgive ourselves determines just how much we love and forgive someone outside of ourselves.  

I wish you all the love and happiness life can bring!

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Question October 13:

I’VE MATURED ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT TO HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP THAT YOU MUST COMMUNICATE YOUR ISSUES AND FIND A RESOLUTION THAT BENIFITS BOTH PARTNERS. MY GRIPE IT SEEMS MY MORE RECENT PARTNERS SEEM UNABLE TO GRASP THE CONCEPT. ISSUES THAT UPSET THEM I FIND THEY SELDOM VERBALIZE THEM. I HAVE TO PLAY DETECTIVE AND TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHAT’S WRONG. BECAUSE THEY HAVE PROBLEMS WITH DISCLOSURE WE HAVE SMALL ARGUEMENTS FREQUENTLY. CAN YOU GIVE ME TIPS TO HELP ME HELP OUR RELATIONSHIP?—HUBERT

Hi Hubert:

I can appreciate your question, because it indicates you are growing in the realm of communication.  It also indicates you are capable of logically expressing your feelings along with the ability to discern and deduce the problems when your partner is not communicating well. 

Your selection of “recent” partners implies that perhaps your choice of partners has deviated from the “communicative” partners you’ve had before?  If you are very communicative, it is important that your selection of partners are just as strong in communicating or working to be just as strong.  Otherwise, you will have to do the work to build the communicative part of the relationship.  

You could begin by changing the dynamics of how you communicate with your partner. Try asking why he/she is challenged in self expression.  Perhaps they were very open at one time, and something happened that caused them not to be so open? 

You can observe how your arguments begin.  Do not react the same way.  Be more observant instead and fine tune your listening skills.  Rather than allow the argument to begin, (it does take two) try steering it differently.  If your partner begins by saying something that would normally generate an argumentative response from you, flip it back and ask very calmly and in an as-a-matter-of fact tone, “What are we really talking about here?  Or “Where is this conversation going?”  Or “Are you upset about anything?  Talk to me.” 

You get the idea.

You can also learn about your partner’s challenges by taking note of the times when he/she is more open to talk than others.  What subjects are they are most comfortable with? Perhaps you can begin talking on his/her comfort level and slightly push the parameters to lead into a question/conversation where your arguments stem from?  This is an option, especially if your arguments are centered around the same issues. 

Sometimes, you can try expanding the portal of communication by getting your partner’s input to something you’ve said.  An example of this would be you are talking about how you feel on a subject.  When you have finished expressing your position, ask your partner something like, “Am I making sense?  Or “What do you think about what I’ve said?  I can use your thoughts.”  Doing this more often may help your partner to know you care about what they are thinking.  Your goal is to have him/her open up more on a regular basis.  You can always check to see what he/she is thinking on anything— maybe something on the news, or a family situation you both have witnessed or just in casual conversation.  The more you learn about what and how your partner thinks, the more you will learn their communication style.

I hope you find this helpful. 

Love well!!!

Question October 10: “Who’s First and Foremost”? Hey Nat. Good morning!

Hi Nelly:
You asking the question (outside of your partner) tells me you want an objective perspective, versus asking your partner.  Objectivity is always good.

The answer to your question lies in your heart.  So the real question is “Why isn’t your partner talking to you”?

Aside from what you already know, you and your partner’s discussions should always be open and honest, but we must do the work to ensure those conversations are just that.  This means being open to hearing the truth and open to telling the truth— and this is done in logic and reasoning versus emotional upheaval and attitudal drama.

Your partner talking at all is a good sign that he is willing to stay in the relationship with you—just as you are showing the same willingness by your posed question.  His trying, of course, should always be with you, but if the past conversations ended without resolve, and resulted in anger, it makes continual conversation difficult.

You may want to consider broaching the “let’s talk to each other” chat by saying something like, “We may have had difficult discussions before, but perhaps we should consider another angle of our conversations in order for them to be productive for us, rather than creating anger and separating us.   Let’s agree to always step out of our emotional realm and step away from how we feel during our chats.  Let’s make a promise to understand each other.  I know you need understanding, because I need it too.”

Question August 29:  “Why do some men lie to other women about their relationship to other women as if they have issues in their relationship, is it to seek attention else where?”  –Nelly

This is a tough question Nelly.  When you say lie, does this mean you are seeing the relationship as healthy and you both are happy?  If so, there is no reason for him to step outside of a happy relationship (generally).  Or perhaps your view of the relationship being a happy one is not shared by him?

This may be a good time to take an honest look at your relationship to see if your partner is happy.  Because if he is lying, this may serve as a clear indicator that he just needs to step out of the relationship.  This is a problem.  Or it could be, he is not lying.  He just does not share your view of the relationship as being a happy one, and is telling the truth as to what he sees or what he is experiencing. Either way we go with this, there is a disconnect between you two.

If he is a reasonable man, and is seeking attention, then he just might need more than what you are providing.  The measurement of love from partner to partner is subjective.  So, I would be getting in the mind of your partner and asking what more can you provide for him as well as what more can he provide to you.

Question June 28:  “can a relationship work without sex”?

Thank you for your question.

Please allow me to answer you sexually, logically and scientifically.

The book called, “The Tao of Sexology” suggests we are happier when we have sex in our lives.  It even breaks down the nutrients in a healthy male sperm, which equates to a healthy breakfast.  (This is a healthy perk for oral sex.)

It is believed that having sex 200 times a year can make you look and feel up to six years younger!

As far as the sexual part of your relationship is concerned: unless you and your partner have agreed to limited or zero sex from the on start, then no.  The relationship will not be successful.  Even if the relationship does not end, the sexual longing will be there. When the sexual longing is not met, it will become magnified until it is either satisfied or suppressed.

Lastly, may I say, there is doubt in the question, and therein lies the answer. As this is on your heart, you feel in your heart of hearts that success without sex is not likely.  You are correct.

If you want to try to make it work, may I suggest you be the initiator of sex? You have most likely done this already.  If your partner does not reject your advances and participates, then this may work.

However, if sex only occurs when initiated by you, depending on your personality type, you may enjoy it, or you may feel, after a while, that your partner does not make you feel wanted because he/she does not initiate.  At that point, you will need to make another decision.

I appreciate you for reaching out, because we do not talk enough about sex, which perpetuates our continued problem of the lack of sex.

You have taken a step to find a solution.  This tells me that you want to work to make things work.

I wish you all the best.

Natalie