The Emotionally Needy Partner

Emotionally Needy Partnerrev2

You cannot encourage enough.  You cannot inflate his/her ego enough.  The emotionally needy partner is one of the most difficult partners to be involved with; as they have an insatiable exhausting requirement of always needing a compliment, edification, pat on the back, or some kudos for everything they do and say.

They lack self-confidence, self-esteem, are very insecure, and overly sensitive.  This makes them easily offended; dull in understanding, difficult to communicate with, quick to become angry, and their view of truth is skewed, because they are all about feeling, versus truth.  This means they have a hard time outgrowing emotional deficiency.

The needy partner is easily frustrated and shuts down.  They often lash out in behavior making the environment uncomfortable.  They become inverted, withdrawn and somber.  This makes them poor communicators, because they do more internalizing than communicating.   Since their perception is wrapped around feeling, this leaves no room for objective thought, therefore being in a conflict with him/her mostly end in misunderstandings without much resolve, because the only thing they generally understand are feelings— not logic.

You can never quite determine which comment or behavior he/she will perceive as an attack or insult. The partner of the emotionally needy must over accommodate in order to protect the emotional partner.  This is especially necessary in public or social settings.  It is difficult to take them anywhere, because one word could set him/her off on an emotional tangent. You must babysit their feelings.

You cannot provide constructive criticism and be free to say what you want, as it very well may be taken as a verbal strike.

You must always explain yourself.  It is not that you will be directly accused of anything; they do not like conflict.  The conversations will be more on the order of an emotional backlash of what he/she thinks you are feeling about.  This will force you to continually validate their feelings.

Anytime there is need for an act of good in helping others, you will find the needy partner volunteering.  This is generally not done from the goodness of his/her heart.  It is more about how you or the recipient makes him/her feel about the deed they do.  No kudos or not enough praise?  Their works become very scarce and they will become unreliable.

They have no problem recalling what they have done for you, but their memory of what you have done for them is really short.   Rather than remember the good you have done on his/her behalf, they become high minded on their own works.  This is not that they are building confidence.  This is more about the kudos which gives them the false illusion of confidence.  Little do they know that confidence comes from within.

In being high minded they become undependable, and slow to show up to do what was promised.  Once they have you in a place where you need them, they pull back— knowing you are depending on them.  This type of controlling power has meaning for them.  This feeds their ego.

They are selfish, because it is not for goodness sake that they do.  It is for the sake of being overly complimented, which is their motive behind the act, yet they are too selfish to give compliments.  Perhaps if they put out the extra compliments they require, maybe they would find out just how exhausting of a partner they are.

If you cross them, their heart becomes hardened towards you.  Crossing them is not about betrayal or deceit.  You never really make it to these levels with them.  They feel crossed by misinterpreting what you have said and how they feel about what was said.  It is the emotional minutia by which they are driven.

During times of conflict, the longer they feel, the more their accusations are false and logically unfounded.  If you bring anything accusatory, he/she will inaccurately try to parallel a similar accusation back at you.  When angered his/her feeling is beyond logic or reason.  This makes them unreasonable to deal with.  Truth is not what they are after— only the validation and security of their feelings.

They invert into an emotional cocoon and when this is done you lose the affection, and attentiveness.  The relationship is not the same again.

There is way to reverse this.  There must be a self-reality check performed by the needy partner. Truth is a necessity in order to understand that the obsessive need for extreme validation and edification is indicative of the lack of self-love and respect.  They have neglected themselves, which is why they need everyone else to pay so much attention.  Rather than look at the good they do, they need to be honest as to why they do it.  Look at the good of others, and praise their works.  If they look at their partner realistically, other than seeing them as a babysitter of their feelings, they just may learn what strength looks like and in comparison learn how to be stronger.

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We Are Failing Our Relationships

We can’t hold a relationship down, because we don’t put much work into it.

We Are Failing Our Relationships2We want a microwave minute answer to relationships, which is a process that has been long in the making.  Each one of us feel, express, demonstrate, relate, respond and we love based on our experiences stemming from birth, yet we want a minute rice recipe to understand each other.

Our life long process and how we interact in a relationship cannot be answered in a microwave minute.

In the interim, we are being socialized to be dumb. We are being socialized not to think.  Consequently, we won’t read a book if it is too thick. We won’t read an article if it does not have a picture. This diminishes our ability to read information that is necessary to our well-being, existence and maybe even survival.  Some of the most powerful books do not have pictures. If the secret to wealth was written in a book that is 5 inches deep, many of us wouldn’t know of it.

Henry Ford had a saying that is so appropriate today, “Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably the reason why so few engage it.”

The necessity of a picture in which to draw our attention is the same method writers used when we were children, and just learning to read. There were picturesque books our teachers and parents would buy in order to hold our attention.  Have we regressed to childhood reading level?

Consequently, we are non-thinkers.  We want the best of everything in life, but are not working to get what we want.  We don’t set goals, and we have no expectations to set a plan.  No wonder we cannot maintain a relationship!

Our behaviors are clear signs of our lackadaisical efforts.  We simply take the easy way.

  • It is easier to look at another person and lust for him/her, rather than look in the eyes of our partner to see the depths of his/her heart.
  • It is easier for us to rant and rave, than it is for us to think and reason through a disagreement.
  • It is easier to walk away from the one we love, rather than to stand to stay.
  • It is easier to fake it, than to make it better.
  • It is easier to wait for a job to fall in our laps, than to hustle to get our hustle on.

To everything there is a solution.  We just need to think!  When we are dummied down, it puts the brain in a state of stagnation, but an answer is always in queue when we turn the brain on.  When we react and respond without thinking, our brain is on pause.  When we become easily flustered, angry or frustrated we are not using our brain. 

We are so becoming so mentally frail, that there is nothing left for us to do— but feel.  That makes matters much worse.

Feeling is the thing we mostly always do, and that doesn’t take any work at all. We become easily frazzled, and our interpersonal skills are weakened to the point where we cannot create a win-win for the problems in the relationship.  Then we plummet into a state of helplessness where we don’t know what to do when we have problems in our lives.

This is because we have not exercised our minds to create solutions. We don’t read enough so we have no data to begin formulating a plan for anything.  When things don’t work in our favor, the feelings of pity become more pronounced.

When we enter a relationship, we do it based on how we feel. It does not matter if those feelings make sense or not.  Our feelings become so paramount where we think we are ready for Love without much consideration of reciprocity to love in return.  We do not think enough to determine, if we really know how to Love or not.

Interestingly enough, regardless of how emotional we are, it is not enough to keep us in Love. We fall out of Love so easily.  Where did our feelings go?  This is why we coined the saying, “I’m not feeling him anymore. I’m done.” or “I’m not feeling her anymore.  I’m done.”  Feelings are fleeting.

Thought and logic continues to evolve.

When Love comes, (and it does) we can only relate to that person emotionally. Our emotions fluctuate, and ride on tidal waves of heightened feelings.  When the relationship problems begin, (and they do) the problems are so involved with the feelings of both partners that when those feelings clash, we cannot logically work it through.

We are remiss of the many possibilities why we have relationship problems. This is in part, because we are getting together out of an emotional need.  This prohibits us from knowing, and understanding the various nuances we own from person to person.  The results of what we do, like cheating for example, is evident of a deeper problem.  We cannot begin to understand the deeper problem, because we are so focused on how we feel about cheating.

With everything spinning on “feeling” the experience of a relationship ending causes a deeper feeling of rejection. We become so easily broken. We continue on a path of emotional damage, because the lessons we refuse to learn.  Never admitting we failed, because we were feeling all the time and not logically working through the relationship.   Rather than taking ownership of our failures, we sit down and hurt instead.

Our relationships would be stronger if we got in deep, stop being fearfully shallow, and look beyond the surface.  If we have relational discussions, we should work to reason why we have opposing views on the subject, and in the end, find a way to conclude with a resolution.  Our communications will become much stronger.  If we studied our partner and thought about him/her in a thought provoking way, opposed to how they make us feel, we may learn something.  If we took the time, and used our feelings in the capacity of being more empathetic, we can relate to each other better in our relationships.

Posted in Actions in Relationship | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments