Cheating “Am I Short Changing Myself?”

Slide1Your Name? Anonymous? (not a required field): “I have caught my boyfriend in bed with his baby mama. I was so hurt by this. He apologized and said we should move on. I am the type of person who likes to talk about things over and over until I am ok and he is not like that this makes us fight even more, I guess I am guilty of over-analysing things. I suffer from rejection issues, my parents left me to live with my aunt at age 5 and there was abuse in that house. I struggled with their decision as my older siblings stayed with them. I have gone for therapy in this regard but sometimes I do feel anger. Back to my boyfriend, he is accusing me of nagging him over issues and he doesnt like that and he says one of these days I will push him to leave me coz he can see I love it when we fight. I tell him it is becoz he does the same things over and over and everytime I forgive him. I found out he is cheating on me with another girl infact 3 times already. I have asked him that we use a condom becoz he is not faithful and he says he uses the condom with other girls but he wont use it with me because he is steady with me and he protects me against them, isnt that messed up? We have gone for HIV testing and results came back negative but I worry about this. He is a very loving guy and he has done things for me that have made me realize he would go to the moon and back for me its just the cheating. My friends says its normal for a man to cheat, I should be greatful he still respects me and he provides for me. Dont get me wrong I do love this man but sometimes I wonder if I am making the right decision with him. He drinks every weekend, loves his friends (he is an only child) and though he invites me to go with him but I want to build a family with him and I dont see myself going through this lifestyle in the near future with kids, being a wife etc. He has talked about marriage and he says he is saving already. I have asked him if this is what he wants becoz he has been married before and he says he is sure. He has 7 kids with different women, 1 daughter is from the previous marriage. I on the other other do not have kids but I have accepted his kids as my own. We go on outings with his kids besides the one he got from the previous marriage. He recently confessed that the child doesnt come with us because he is struggling paying maintanance and so the ex wife denies him his visiting rights. I have asked him to sort the maintanance issue as his child deserves to have a relationship with him. We get on so well but I have identified our stumbling blocks as, Too much boozing, friends which by the way always ask him for money but when he is broke, they are nowhere to be found, the 7 kids, I worry if my family will accept his kids as I have none, infidelity – he says he is protecting me with a condom, will the cheating ever stop? He has openly flirted with a girl whilst out with me and asked for her number, I saw him and came up to him. His excuse was he was drunk. Natalie, I love this man dearly but as I short changing myself here”____________________________________________________________________

Greetings Miss Awesome!  May I say you must be a pretty awesome person.  The visions you must be having, the mental torment of remembering the man you love, in bed with another woman.  You have the strength of an Amazon Woman!

In what you’ve told me about (The Man), he is the only child; has no sexual discipline or discretion, could be sexing without protection, and creating a concern for HIV.  He has 7 children, been married before, boozing it up every week, struggling/not paying maintenance for his daughter; have flirted with a woman in your presence; (being totally disrespectful in doing so), and using the excuse of drunkenness for doing it.  Lastly, telling you to “move on” from him being caught in bed— even though he has rendered a pitiful EMPTY apology, because he keeps doing the same relational transgression again and again.

Please.  Safety first.  If you are going to sex him, do not ask him— make him wear a condom.  Your concern is a valid one.  If you contract something, you can’t take back.  No man alive is worth you dying for.  You have a life to live.

I know you love him and want things to work out.  Rather than think about marriage, think first on what you are willing to accept.  He cannot give you anything more than what he has so far.  Can he change?  Yes.  Will he?  Not for you.  Even a God in heaven can’t make him change.  He must want to change.  But then, why should he change?  He can commit his relational sex transgressions and still have you.

Have you ever asked him why he cheats?  When you entered the relationship, did you know he was this way?  Or did he become this way?  Something tells me he came into the relationship this way.  Seven children from different women is a red flag.  Please do not be thrilled about him being loving to you.  Being loving is his hobby.

What he does, like “going to the moon and back” doesn’t mean very much if he can’t “go to the moon and back to be faithful”.

You wanting to build a family with him, in his cheating condition is accepting him.  It is quite evident he is not ready—regardless of what he says.  Your acceptance of him is validation.  You are validating him to cheat.  Your validation, in this way, is working against you.

The truth is, we can’t fix him.  Only he has the power to fix himself.  You can get stronger.  You can become more objective with the reality of what you are seeing before you.  You can choose what you want to do.

The real question is, what can YOU live with?  He has not proven to have the ability or capacity to be faithful to you.  You have some options.  You may not like some of them, but they are still there for you to choose.

  1. Live with and accept what he does. Protect yourself with a condom. Disregard what he says about “protecting you”. If he was indeed protecting you, he would protect you emotionally from his continual relational sexual transgressions.
  2. Begin to emotionally separate yourself from him. You don’t have to do any physical separation like leaving or having him leave. If you begin separating from him emotionally, the physical part will come in time.
  3. Continue to address his relational transgressions with him. Continue to do so, until you feel better. If he doesn’t like you having to address what he keeps on doing, (which is his fault in the first place) then he can either get over it and deal with it, or get pushed to leave.
  4. Talk to him about having an “open” relationship. Hey…if he can get his groove on, outside of you, let’s balance the scale in your favor. You can get your groove on outside of the relationship too. The situation will no longer be about him cheating, and it will reduce the sting of betrayal.
  5. Be a swinging couple. This too balances the scale. Think you can lose him with this option? Well, do you have him 100% now?
  6. Dump him like a bad habit. (I know you can’t do that. But it is an option.) Get on with your life and with someone who has your best interest at heart.

Look deep within yourself and ask the question.  If you could have him out of your life, would you?  If the answer is yes, then you can do it.  Just slowly work towards it.  Pull back the goodness, the forgiveness, the sex, and whatever else you do that pleases him.

For a while he won’t notice— at first. He is not that in tune to you.  Otherwise, he would be empathetic to your history of rejection and would know that each time he chooses to cheat— he rejects you.  On the other hand, if you do not want him out of your life, then you have more capacity to tolerate his cheating.  If this is the case, then brace yourself and get ready for his continuance of the same.

Feel free to reach out anytime.  I wish you all the best of Love!

 

 

 

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Question: Don’t Know What To Do?

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Anonymous Question:

“I took my boyfriends phone and pretended I was him and started chatting to his baby mamma asking that we get back together. I then told him what I did and he was upset, and says he doesn’t understand why I did it. But I told him it is because I don’t trust him and I have caught him chatting with his baby mamma telling her he missed her, the baby momma also said she missed him too. We have been dating for 3 years. I figured I would do him a favor and get them back together. But I still want to be with him, I was feeling hurt and angry. I don’t know what to do whether I should leave or try mend things. I feel really bad about this and scared that I was able to be so conniving.”
May I say I think it speaks well of you to admit going through your man’s phone. It’s quite commendable. Oftentimes, people have a problem with accountability. Kudos to you!
The question is why? Why did you do it? Not so much about the act, but the reason (you say) for doing it. You did it as a “favor,” to help him and his ex-get back together? Girl, let’s never pass out those type of favors. The disadvantage is your attempted favor actually draws them together with something to talk about— you.   You may have become the spectacle and the topic of their discussion.
I’m thinking you may have done that, meaning, going through the dialogue of pretending to be him in order to gauge where those two actually are. Not sure if deep down it was a favor, per se, but more like a feel to see exactly what might be revealed if you stepped in his shoe of discussion with her. What did you learn? Can you use the information?
However, if your man is worth it; and by this I mean if you want to hold on to him; then bring your best self. He doesn’t need to miss anything from an ex. He’s got you. Now if he did indeed say he missed his ex, then you need to bring your game a little harder. You can cover everything he needs and then some. You’ve been together for 3 years. What are you doing to make it last? How are you engaging him as a participant to make you two last for another 3 years? Three years is an accomplishment. What brought you both together this far? Why is he with you and not her? Why did he leave her? The answers are great places to build your continued relational future on.
He has violated your trust. When I say this, I am saying in the spirit of truth—-meaning, assuming you have verifiable proof that he said he misses his ex (baby mama). It looks like you may have violated his trust as well. You both have some “trust” mending to do. Deal with the issues and enjoy the process of healing together. It is self-contradiction to want someone to be trustworthy and then you do things to be untrustworthy. Nothing is worth you compromising your own self-beliefs.
I wish you the best of Love! Keep on loving.
Posted in Fix Yourself, How do I, Knowledge, Self, What to do | 4 Comments