The Question: “Should I Leave Him?”

Your Name? Anonymous:  My man and I are using the same vehicle to commute to work. Yesterday he picked me up late and he bought me a jacket as a ‘surprise’. I think it was a bribe and I raised it with him and he said it wasn’t. Then he tells me he is going out with his friends so he will drop me off at our place-we live together- Our place is further away from where he was going to hang out with his friends. I suggested he drop me of at my parents place which is closer. I asked him what time he thinks he will stay out of which he said around 10pm. When 10pm came, he didnt call and I fell asleep. I woke up this morning still nothing from him, I called him and he never answered his phone. I was forced to catch a cab which I absolutely hate taking. Everybody who is close to me or knows me very well knows I hate being in a cab. He also knows this. He calls me 2 hours later, clearly he had just woken up and asks me where I’m at like WHAT! I tell him I am really upset with him right now and won’t be able to speak to him. He then sends me this soppy text msg apologizing and saying he stayed late with his friends and didn’t want to disrespect my parents by coming in late to pick me up and he overslept. What upset me is 1. I feel he has compromised me over his friends yet again *different scenarios* this is the worse for me. I’m just numb to be honest. One of the friends he was out with just lost his girlfriend and I assumed he should be mourning not partying a storm, funeral is this coming Friday, yesterday was Wednesday-this raised a big concern for me as I’m starting to think maybe he is just like his friend. 2. this man holds a high position and obviously he will be going to work smelling of alcohol, what example is he sending to his juniors, I sometimes go to his workplace and I don’t want to feel embarrassed that I’m dating a drunkard. I have a good job where image is everything so I don’t want to find myself compromising my career because of him. I just feeling numb, don’t know what to do, I feel indifferent about him at this point….should I leave him? I don’t want to live like this where the man that I love treats me as second best, I have a feeling he will keep on doing it.
Hello My Friend:
Your relationship is showing signs of weakness in the area of communication. He says he’s going to be done by 10pm— yet no call, and no answer when you call him the next morning?  Unacceptable.
Yes, he will continue to “compromise” his friends over you. It’s happened before. It happened this week. It will happen again.
I’m leery of men who make their friends 1st choice in the way that neglects home, and the women in their lives. Failing to be there to take you to work is neglecting to take care of you. I would find out why he allowed it to be too late to call, for starters. Where exactly did he sleep? Why didn’t he answer the phone when you called? Why doesn’t he consider you a number 1 priority in his life? Getting to the bottom of these answers will help you decide on what you need to do.
He knows what he’s doing is not fair to you; otherwise why the need to bribe you? I agree with you. The jacket was a bribe. “Forget the bribe Mr. Man!!! Be there for me! Don’t stay out all night! Save your damn money and pick up the phone!
When he goes out with his friends, you need to drop him off and keep the car. He can figure out how to get to work, when he stays out all night. That should be a rule in the relationship. If you are going off gallivanting, then you get dropped off. With as much drinking as he’s doing, he shouldn’t be driving anyway. This will remove the “cab” frustration for you. You need as little frustration as possible to keep your head clear about your relationship.
The excuse about disrespecting your parents—is a crock. He could have called for you, from the car, ready to drive you guys home. He’s showing consideration for your parents, but not for you?!!!!
What could he and his friends possibly be doing, when a girlfriend is dead and her funeral is Friday (today)? In times of loss, we usually appreciate life more and hold the Love of our lives even closer. Particularly, when death has come so close within our inner circle of family and friends. You may want to find out exactly what went on that night. Is he even telling the truth? The answers will help you make a determination.
Clearly, good image is crucial to your life and career. If he’s going to the office wreaking of alcohol and not being an example to his junior subordinates, he does not have high regard for himself, nor his position. If you’re concerned with him being a drunk, then there are some serious issues brewing within him. Good self-image speaks to our inner character and beliefs. Bad self-image speaks to something being broken within.
Do you really love him? Does he love you? Your relationship need some foundational work. Take time to examine what you guys have in each other. You two are not connecting as good as you could.
In summary, your decision should be based on his treatment of you, his esteem of you, his ability and willingness to align with you personally, professionally, honestly, progressively, and lovingly in the relationship.
Love well,
Posted in Actions in Relationship, Questions, Settling | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments

Cheating (How do I stop going through his phone?)


Your Name? Anonymous? (not a required field): Got a question or comment? “I have been in a relationship with this guy for 2 years and he has cheated on me a number of times. I always find out about it as I go through his phone. This makes us fight a lot as he says hes phone is his private space. I understand this but because of his cheating ways, I feel its better I know who is the ‘flavour of the month” he has different women in any given moment. The last one was my older sisters friend. I love him and I have accepted his cheating ways, either than that he treats me so well, if I dont touch his phone we are great, nothing would indicate he is cheating. I should stop with snooping around his phone but I cant. He doesnt check my phone because I think he knows I wouldnt cheat on him as I am so very predictable. How do I stop touching his phone? “

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ANSWER   —————————————————————–

Hello My Friend!

In order to stop touching his phone, you must do one thing and one thing only.

Total and complete acceptance. You say you have, but the phone touching indicates otherwise.  I’m not judging here.  I totally get it. You must truly accept his cheating.  Without deviation.

Anything outside of acceptance is continual mental and emotional torment of what he is doing; who he is doing it with; why he is doing it and what makes him do it.

Make a pact with him. There should be ground rules—dammit! He is not to cheat with women you know.  You have the power to make that request.  How many women are willing to make such an allowance?  He should adhere to your request without question.  Have you considered how his cheating impacts the relationship in the areas of trust, honesty, or credibility? We may need to tighten something up there, because you should not have to go through his phone to find out— especially since you’re willing to be accepting.

Acceptance comes from you becoming one with yourself, and getting to a place of self-power. Executing your self-power makes his cheating of little to no value. Self-power takes your mind and thoughts higher than where you are, causing certain things in life to have little impact due to little value. That takes some work. But you can do it!  Read power books, like 177 Mental Toughness Secrets of the World Class. Watch DVDs like E-Motion, and The Secret, etc. Books like “In The Meantime, by Iyanla Vanzant” are instructionally powerful regarding loving yourself.  Loving self is an open ended task. Take a class.  Take on a cause you care about. Fulfill a dream or two. Do these things only because it is something you’ve always wanted to do.  Your mission?  Gain power!

The point is, there are many other things holding higher importance than a man who can’t think outside of his dick. I say this respectfully, but honestly.

Additionally, he should not find you predictable. Predictability implies boredom. I must assume you are exciting, fun, (not so predictable), sexy and knocking him out in the bedroom. His cheating should not be because of something you are not doing.  When you’re sexing him, keep in mind, you aren’t sexing a cheater. You are sexing a man, who in that moment and time wows you sexually and you enjoy it tremendously.

Care to level the playing field? Maybe you’ve always wanted to cheat? Maybe there is someone in your circle who has interest, and you are not yielding to temptation because of your cheating man?  If so, put that on the table.  What’s good for the man is good for you also.

Wishing you love and happiness!






Posted in cheating, Settling | Tagged , , , , , | 6 Comments