This is written for those who will do anything to hold on, and do all they can to save a relationship.
I have been there before and let me tell you, once is one time too many. Don’t do it! Save yourself!
It does not matter how many years you have been together. If the relationship keeps hitting a hole and there is no resolve coming from both you and your partner; do not fight for the relationship alone.
If you are fighting for the relationship alone, then you are in the relationship alone.
Self sacrifice in a half on/half off relationship will end in emotional damage that will take you at least a year to heal, and this is if you make a change or two, like a change of residence, maybe even relocating to another city.
Trust me. If you choose the route of self sacrificing, bending, yielding, forsaking and taking all of the pain, the distant attitude, and the back handed remarks, you will only be able to take that for so long.
Then there is the on again. All seems well— for a minute. Pay attention! There is no discussion about the problems in the relationship. When things are going good, you don’t want to be the one who rocks the boat. So you don’t have a discussion about the future or how to avoid the problems. There is a moment, a day, a week, maybe even a month where it seems that all is going good.
This is false hope. You are the only one feeling that things will continue to go good. Then boom. Something happens and you are right back at the crossroad, but you are feeling worst than before, because the hope you had for the relationship is crushed.
You are feeling hopeless.
You are doing everything you possible can. Saying all the right things. Doing all the right things. Maybe you are gently trying to talk to your partner, trying to get a two way dialogue, and you just aren’t getting much response. You are going above what you would normally do. You just want it to work.
Inside of your heart, you are hoping against hope. In a way you doubt that things will work out, but you so want it to. After all, you have been together for so long or long enough. A lot has been invested. Time, a house, an apartment, the kids, and the many situations you have been through together.
Your mind is reeling. There is so much you have given, and so much between you. How can you let go? How can your partner even think of not doing everything possible to hold on? There is so much you have given up; including good people you have rejected who wanted a relationship with you.
A good night of sex happens. It was pretty good. Although you don’t feel the intimacy that was there before, you are okay with it, because at least you are sexing. You are thinking this has to mean something.
You take it a step further, thinking maybe you are expecting too much. Things do change, and after all, the problem could be you. The love, and intimacy you had before, you may not really need. Adjusting to your disconnected partner is another change you decide to make.
Now you are beginning to adjust to the “nothingness”. You are doing okay, not great, but okay, because you have tapered your needs to what your partner is not giving you. Until…..
You find out that your partner is involved with someone else.
Now you can’t prove it at first. There are changes of behavior. There is an inner contentment your partner is showing that you know should not be there. After all, you don’t have it. Together, you have not been happy for quite some time.
The clues become more evident. You feel your partner’s disconnection even more. The time gets later and later before he/she comes home or returns your phone call. The invitations to go out with friends are coming up more and more. Now, this is not bad generally, because your partner deserves a life; but how can there be all of this activity and the relationship has no activity? Somehow it feels wrong.
Your partner, from whom you are taking the distance from, is establishing closeness elsewhere?
You start second guessing yourself, because you are feeling very jealous, and you think you are wrong for feeling this way. How can your partner have a happy life outside of you?
You decide to ask your partner what is going on? Perhaps there is something you need to know. There is a total disconnection in your partner’s response. You are told there is nothing going on and nothing you need to know. The conversation feels disconnected and the responses feels cold. You feel stupid for asking, because you are made to feel the problem lies with you.
Now it is you who have the problem? Hell no!
Feeling angry and frustrated you begin to notice more phone calls and texts coming through on your partner’s phone. When your partner is talking to anyone else, there is the social engaging side that you once experienced, but is not there for you anymore. The laughter you are hearing is no longer happening in the relationship. The tone, concern and the support you are hearing when your partner is talking to someone else on a damn phone, you have not seen that side of your partner for quite some time.
The truth is, your partner no longer has the love for you. Something has been lost.
Track back. When did this all begin? Did you miss something? Did you create the distance first? If not, then there is something else.
Distance starts in a relationship when someone is tired of trying; or someone is finding what they need outside of the relationship.
Either way, self sacrifice is not the way. Save your heart, and you save yourself.
Why your partner is still there could be for financial or residential reasons. If there are children involved it may be the children, but regardless of what you do, how lovingly you do it, how much loveless love you take and how much you give, your partner has checked out of the relationship.
If your partner has checked out, it is wise that you figure out what’s the next move and what is best for you and how what’s next is best for you. The longer you stay checked in when your partner has checked out, will be more damaging to you and your life.
Stop the heart you save may be your own!
Note: The title of my post was inspired from the song “The Love You Save” by the Jackson Five and the Late and Great Michael Jackson, who is my all time entertainer!