Please be advised this post is not for the sensitive, the faint of heart, the fake or the weak willed. This post is only for those who are willing to take ownership of their relationship, and make changes they feel are necessary, because making the relationship work is the ultimate goal.
Out with the old of fighting, and anger. Out with the guarding of your heart, or holding back because of a partner’s indiscretion, or emotional hurt. It is time out for the pride, the pain, and sensitivity, the excuses, the selfishness, sexual inhibitions, the other woman, the other man and whatever else is hindering you from being a unit in the relationship.
If you are still there, in the relationship, for whatever reason you choose to justify why, in spite of the relational transgression— whether is it because of the children, house, mortgage, lease or the like, you might as well work it out and get on with your life. Make the best of the situation and make it work. Why not? You are there anyway. If not, then get out, or get your partner out and “… get your life”, as they say.
Upgrade the relationship and make it work!
Looking at the relationship realistically, any bad results are at the fault of both partners. Not just one. Sure one partner may have done the damage, but what caused him/her to do so? Why was there a shortage in the relationship in the first place? Everything you need should be in the relationship.
The divorce rate is a strong indicator that we are making bad decisions, and are working to reverse them.
Are you are upset because of cheating? Yet you are still there? Consider your contribution to the cause that created the effect. Why did your partner cheat?
Has your partner violated your trust? How did your partner earn so much of it? Perhaps giving away too much or all of your trust shows poor judgment. Trust is not designed to be given all in one dosage. Trust is to be rationed out by the proven actions of your partner, as you both are working to build the stability in the relationship, regardless of how long you have been together.
There should be an internal place where more trust is stashed away. Like that hidden place of your deepest thoughts you would never share with anyone? That place should also hold a reservoir of your trust and love. There is more to us than what we are giving.
After being in a broken relationship before, and after being wounded before, experience should be a teacher saying trust and love is not something you donate like you would to a goodwill store.
Is your partner lazy and not working? The timing is unique, per relationship, for how long it can endure the financial stress: but if that time has been served, and you are still there, then you are an enabler of that behavior.
Is your partner mentally weak and lacks backbone? You didn’t take the time to measure his/her strength before you went out into the deep with the relationship? You never challenged his/her will or thinking capacity?
Sex is bad and needs improvement. You went to bed with an inhibited and unskilled partner. Surely you were there the first time, when you missed the first orgasm, but you chose to lay down again. You knew the first time there was not a single spark. Did you hope for a sexual miracle?
Is your partner becoming hefty, and unattractive? How did you miss that slowly coming?
Is there a communication problem? How did it become one? Were you watching? Listening? Talking? If you can’t relate to each other there is no relationship. Relate is the derived word of relationship. How did you originally connect? When and how did silence become a part of your relational equation?
The point is, for everything that is wrong in your relationship, you are a part of the cause. If you are allowing the problem, then you are accepting the problem. In acceptance, you are the enabler. You are putting your allowance stamp of approval on the problem.
Upgrade your relationship with a clean slate!
When there is a clean slate it means a pass is given, ensuring all is forgiven on the problems before, but it comes with a contingency and repercussion. The contingency is the problems and the cause of those problems will be no more. There will be no more of those days. Those days are long gone. Never to be returned again. The repercussion is the end.
The upgrade also means the emotions left over from before must be changed. This is done by confronting, admitting, and thinking each feeling through to see if they are really necessary to have.
Upgrade to higher logic and downgrade the emotion. Reboot your emotional system.
For example, do you really need to feel insecure? If you must feel that way, be able to explain why. If you cannot explain why then you are making no sense to have it. Tell your partner to never put you in that place again. Make your partner look you in the eye, and promise to never do that to you again. Then be honest with yourself and find out why your partner has so much power to “make” you feel insecure. Why is he/she holding your power of security?
Begin to upgrade your relationship by sitting down with your partner, openly discussing the relationship, and together begin to create a plan of counter action to prevent any future actions of the same problems you’ve had already.
Knowing that to every problem there is a solution, and together you can get over the past failures and get on with relational success.