It is understandable we will make mistakes in the relationship— understandable, but not really allowable.
If the mistake was cheating, or some other form of betrayal, we should never come back to the relationship with a lame apology expecting forgiveness, or worse, looking for our partner to just get over it.
Regardless of how much time has passed…. if you have done a horrible job in doing everything you absolutely can to make amends; your partner will not just get over it. When you step outside of your relationship it is your job to fix it.
Cheating, when you both agreed to exclusivity, is a blatant and flagrant violation of the agreement, to yourself, your partner and the relationship.
Please understand you are no longer held in high regard the same way, and in the same place before your betrayal. The price for severing trust and hope in the relationship is you going above and beyond— everyday. If your partner still does not trust you, there is a 90% chance that you did not do everything beyond your power (not within) to put your indiscretion so far behind the both of you.
Put your mind in the mind of your injured partner. If you were found out, there was nothing more for you to do, but to confess. In confessing you’ve left a residue of doubt in your partner’s mind of other things you may have done or are doing that you have not confessed to. This is not only disturbing, but unnerving.
Your word means nothing right now— yet it means everything. Your words are questionable, because you have lost credibility, from the perspective of the indiscretion being over, or you not doing it again. You have reduced yourself to the status of a liar. But everything you say involving that situation is heard and greatly considered. Choose your words wisely.
Understand that your partner put his/her heart in your care. An emotional risk was taken in you, and you chose to diminish your investment value by an indiscretion that was much stronger than your word and your bond.
Your indiscretion has crossed many difficult emotions that are not easily healed or repaired. Your partner is disgusted, frustrated, and has no motivation for you or the relationship. It takes work to rebuild trust, re-gain love, heal the pain you’ve caused, and repair the insecurity that came as a result of your relational transgression.
Recent studies suggest that there is infidelity in 8 out of 10 marriages in the United States: and 69% of marriages don’t survive an affair. http://www.oprah.com/own-unfaithful/blogs/Facts-About-Cheating
The relationship is the core of marriage.
The statistics are stacked against you. To leave the relationship in the shape that it is now is doomed for continual destruction. Take the relationship beyond what was before, by being different and better than you were before.
When your partner responds by pulling back on sex, being withdrawn, uncommunicative, and unresponsive, it is his/her way of dealing. Be sensitive and deal with his/her feelings. You cannot throw blame on your partner when you caused the breach. If your partner snaps, take it. He/She is angry, hurt, insecure and fearful. You put those emotions there. Take it. You can also say, “I deserve that”.
Folk respect the universal law of “You reap what you sow”. Your partner can respect you more when you express your feelings, fears and tears. Allow your partner to a place in your heart and expression where they have not been before. It helps to show your vulnerability. A little humiliation doesn’t hurt.
Now is not the time to have pride, stubbornness, a myopic view of the truth, and a nonchalant spirit. Nor is it the time to hold back. You’ve got to go in hard, doing more than your share of everything to make your partner comfortable with you again.
To rebuild trust you begin by removing the doubt. You remove the doubt by not creating anymore than you have already, and by removing any possibilities of doubt. Be accountable of where you are. Call when you are out so there is no doubt as to where you are. Don’t have vague disingenuous conversations. Do not text either. This can give the impression you cannot talk.
You must become extremely transparent. So transparent it is no question as to what you are doing and where you are going, who you are calling, and texting and who is reaching out to you. This should not be about you feeling lojacked. This is about you building trust.
Be reachable— all the time. Go above in showing affection. Go above in showing your loyalty. Use every sentimental moment whenever you can to say you are sorry. When you say you are sorry, feel the pain you have caused your partner. Look him/her in the eye. Over communicate.
Speak love to your partner everyday and find a way to make him/her feel special. Don’t overdo it here, because you may diminish the sincerity of your gestures. Be genuinely concerned about your partner’s day. If there is a problem, find a way to fix it.
Take time out for intimate discussions on what you can do more to make your partner happy in a way you had not done before. When your partner speaks don’t listen with your feelings, listen with the feelings of your partner.
Should the conversation come up about your indiscretion, do not indulge the details, but be thoughtful in your response. Do say, “I was a fool for what I did, when I have someone like you at home. I am sorry. Please Baby forgive me ”.
You may be wondering how long and how much you must work at this. You will know— providing you know (beyond a shadow of a doubt) in your heart, mind, and soul that you have gone beyond: and when your record has been beyond impeccable. If you are saying one thing and your partner is saying the opposite, work to find out why. Do not be resistant about this, or you will make matters much worse.
In truth when you have taken ownership of what you’ve done, and you have exhausted everything you can do. When you have felt your partner’s pain and gone above to be the healing force, and when you have experienced pain because of what you’ve done, you will never forget your mistake, and most likely will not repeat it again.
You can do it. Fix it!