There is nothing more painful than death. Death is final. No take backs. No second chances. No bringing life from the dead. Death has the final say.
We feel a loss for so many reasons. The loss of a loved one who is gone. The security being removed in thinking he/she would always be there, because they always were. The memories of what was and what will be no more. The house they lived in, or that one thing only they could do. Their triumphs and what we learned from them. Their smile. Their failures and how we have learned to turn their failures into our successes. Even the impact that our loved one had on the lives of many others. Or maybe the feeling of being lost and left behind.
The mind has a way, I think, of protecting us from the trauma of death for the first 3 days. Do you notice when you are able to doze off to sleep, and when you awake, for a slight second, your mind has you believing that your loved one just may not have died? It is only for a brief second. Then your mind plays back the reality that your loved one is gone. It is as if the mind is gently awakening you to the tragic reality.
So we mourn. For the loss. The absence. The memories— the painful ones as well as the good ones. The mind brings back memories you had forgotten even as far back as when you were a child and in some cases a baby. The mind is a very complex organ.
I have learned, even in mourning, that you cannot be selfish. Regardless of your pain, the pain of others is just as important. You must consider that many have no idea of what to say, or how to say it, whether to come, or go, or to stay. You have to be cognizant of their pain and take the time to make them comfortable in trying to give their sympathy and support. They may need time to talk. They deserve to be heard. There is also the sensitivity of words that we use everyday— like, “Girl, you are killing me”! Ooops! Wrong choice of words.
It is helpful to keep the balance. Sometimes you must shake yourself, focus on something good, work on a project that will be financially rewarding, or take the time to exert some energy, maybe even indulge in a good laugh. Coming out of the “Sack Cloth and Ashes” every now and again, keeps you sane and helps through the grieving process. Working out, doing sit ups and push ups, are very helpful.
I was with my daughter and sister last Sunday. A song came on the radio we had not heard in a long time. It was very moving. As we pulled up in Dairy Queen‘s parking lot the song had us rocking! We were clapping and moving. We were in the zone for awhile, and then my daughter jumps out the car! She is jumping and doing a church dance that had my sister and me in stitches. It was hysterically funny to watch, but what was more powerful was that she felt the song in such a way, where she was moving and jumping around in six inch heels. No woman would dare do those moves on any given day in six inch heels. But something had her! We were laughing but could see she was caught up in the zone of the song. Watching her move with the song and temporarily unleashing herself from the chains of mourning was so refreshing. We laughed until our sides hurt. It was such a powerful moment, that a woman working in the drive thru of the chicken place next door yelled out, “Git it Girl! Git it!” It was the highlight of our day and we laughed for hours! I have my sister play that footage on her phone everyday and I laugh again until I literally hurt myself.
So, you must take the moments as they come. You must continue to maintain your routine. Otherwise, you will get caught up in a web of emotions that will be absolutely unbearable.
Take your moments of mourning and take your moments of life as they come.