Insecurity is destructive, because it causes a relationship to become unstable due to anger and frustration.

Some where in the life of an insecure person, a deficiency was created that stemmed from childhood, or something that was said to them, a family member, friend, teacher, someone who was considered a leader, some stupid kid in school, or maybe even a past relationship.

The core of insecurity is the lack of self confidence and low self esteem.  These are the major components for inferiority.

Confidence is the knowledge of what you know you are capable of doing and what you can accomplish.  When you lack confidence you have self doubt.

Self esteem is more concentrated on how and what you feel about yourself.  It is your internal justice system of how you allow others to treat you.

Your insecurity reflects in the areas of jealousy, selfishness, envy, greed, and it makes you a person who is needy, clingy, self serving, entitled, and high maintenance.  These problems exist because of insecurity.  These are annoying attributes a “secure” partner finds difficult to manage and deal with.

This is where many arguments come from.   You have a tendency to say the wrong thing, because of how you  feel versus the facts of a situation.  Rather than be upfront and share how insecure you feel, you make a retort or an accusation, or you become non responsive, creating an uncomfortable accusatory silence. This puts your partner on the defense, causing him/her to either shut down or create an uproar.  Keep in mind your partner should be sensitive to your insecurity, but it is your responsibility to strengthen and fix yourself.

You can start by looking at your accomplishments and celebrating them. Take note of the many good things about you. Acknowledge them.  Feel good about them.  Know who you are inside and what you are capable of.  Count up your successful results, whether that be work related or helping someone else.  Consider what you bring to the relationship.

Insecurity can be turned into security by understanding yourself.  Understand exactly “what” you are feeling.  Is it hurt, confusion, or jealously?  Understand “why” you are feeling.   Is it because you don’t have what someone else has?  Do you feel someone is trying to take your partner away?  Once you understand why you feel a certain way, you can break that down by asking what needs to happen in order for you not to feel that way. For example, if someone has said something to cause you to feel uncomfortable, think about what was said.  Did the words contain truth?  Or was it a lie?  A lie you can shrug off. Truth needs to be dealt with.  Deal with it internally. Face it. Reconcile with it, until you get a feeling of relief.  If you do not like what you’ve heard, change it.  

Consider carefully the demeaning things you have heard during the course of your life. Accept your pain from those comments. Then consider the source. It matters not whether it was your mother, father, teacher, or who ever. Let those comments be your driver to do what they said you could never do.  Make every negative statement your foot stool to step up to be what they said you could never be.  The best revenge is making a liar out of naysayers.  This will give your self confidence a push.

When it comes to your partner, do not accuse him/her because of your insecurity.  Simply ask them anything you want to know.  Be honest enough to express how you feel and why you feel.  Your being insecure results in your being wrong about things most of the time, especially if it is an emotional issue.  This comes by you thinking with your feelings, rather than with logic and objectivity.

Think— objectively before you speak.  This will limit your insecure outbursts and accusations.  There is an upside to thinking first and you will increase your “being right” status.  This is a big morale booster and will increase your confidence and self esteem.

Finally, use your partner for help.  A relationship is also about leveraging your strengths and weaknesses.  Rather than accuse and fight with them, ask for their help.  After all, there is much to learn from someone who is secure.  They have thoughts and secrets that just may be helpful.  

I am a big fan of “In The Meantime” by Iyanla Vanzant.  Read something in order to learn something about self love!

This is the beginning of your journey from insecurity to security!