The Break-Up: Pain is the Healer!

Too often we suffer a great deal of pain from a broken relationship.  We put in time and a lot of emotional investment. So when a relationship ends, a part of us ends with it.

Well, it depends on how you look at it.  A part of you in that space and time should end right where the relationship ended.  Out with the old and in with the new.  This will reduce some of your baggage into the next relationship.

We are such powerful people, but we do feel pain and hurt.  We can overcome the pain, because we are organisms, but there is a painful phase we must go through.  This is actually the beginning of the healing process.

Pain is the absolute worst after a break up or divorce.  No words can begin to accurately describe it.  We try to avoid it at all cost, because it causes us to face our most vulnerable feelings, and it causes us to feel what is almost unbearable to endure.  So, we toughen up, suppress the pain and try to submerge it by staying out of relationships or getting into another one, too soon, (getting under someone to get over someone) and bringing all of our emotional and painful baggage to our new partner.

When we hide the pain, we keep the residue of our last partner.  The actions, behaviors, responses and everything with that old partner is combined with the new partner.  The new relationship does not have a fighting chance when we do this.  The old and the new should never reside in the same place and space— at the same time.

We all experience pain differently.  We try to resume our daily routine of going to work, running our business, being social and doing what we do, but the pain is so deep and prevalent, we need to stop and deal with it.  This means being alone— with the pain, our heart, and our soul.  This is one thing we must do alone.  It is so important to our self healing.  If you can afford a great psychiatrist, then be my guest.  You will still need to confront your pain.  Either way, it must be done.

Allowing the pain to work is the path to healing.  If we take some quiet time, we will find the pain will come to the forefront.  Yes, this means submitting ourselves to the pain.

This process has worked for me.  I have learned, the hard way, how to work through some of the most painful times in my life and come out with more insight of myself, while becoming much stronger, to the point, that I now actually choose what pain I will allow in my heart to feel and what pain I choose to not take in.  I find this choice to be quite powerful.

When we confront pain it reminds us of the memories.  It is always the happy times (first), the laughs, the sex, the conversations, and the mannerisms of that person.  Anything in that relationship that had meaning, pain will force you to relive each memory, play-by-play as if it is going through every moment and time of the relationship.  Do not shut it out, allow it to work.

You may feel the pain rising from your stomach and up through your chest.  Your eyes will begin to burn.  The tears are coming.  This is pain working through you.  If you have ever heard the saying, “The only way out is through” this is definitely the way pain works.  It is okay to cry.  It is the healthiest thing to do at this point.  It is like a painful churning in your chest.  It hurts so much that you may want to shut down and stop feeling.  Stay with it.

Let go and completely surrender.  This means relaxing in the pain you feel.  Do not tense up.  If you are tense, you are fighting.  You must surrender.  You are human and that includes everything there is to being human— even pain.  Allow yourself to feel.  Allow yourself to remember.  Allow yourself to hurt.

Admit what you feel.  Admit you are hurting.  This is not the time to be strong.  Strength is in the surrender and acknowledgement of pain.

You will feel anger.  That comes with the process.  Something or someone is responsible for your pain.  Admit it.  Do not allow anger to protect you from the pain.  Work with it, by acknowledging you feel it, but do not allow it to overtake you.  The more you cry in surrender, the less anger you will feel.  You will know you are on the right path to healing, if you feel the pain.  If you are riding more on the side of anger, it will cause you to hold back tears.  If you are holding back, you are not dealing with the pain.   Please do not choose anger, please choose the reality of your pain.  It is critical to your emotional and mental health.

Choosing anger gives that former relationship and ex partner control over you for the rest of your life or as long as you have anger about that situation.  Never give that power to anyone.  No one on this earth has dominion over you, but you.

The tears will continue to come.  If you feel the need to scream, go ahead and do it.  Getting this out of your emotional system is very healthy.  You are in the healing process.

Now it’s time to consider the details and reality of why the relationship ended.  If you are the cause, accept it, own it, and think of how you could have done better.  Then forgive yourself.  We all make mistakes, but learning from them is the greatest thing you can do for yourself.

If your ex partner is the one who created the damage, and is responsible for the break up, then deal with the reality of that.  You do this by being angry.  It is okay.  Anger and pain goes hand in hand at this point.  Just do not allow anger to control you.  Anger must be controlled.  Think about the pain your ex partner has caused you.

When you have done this, understand when people hurt us, they have no idea of the levels of pain they have caused.  They lack the power of empathy to feel the depth of your pain.  Believe that if we all knew better we would do so much better.  If you feel that person knew better, accept that they did not know better.  We are stupid when we fail to carefully consider and take responsibility of the levels of pain we can impose on someone else, because of our selfish actions.  This makes us oblivious and dense.  In considering this, you must give him/her a pass.  You are not doing it for that person; you are doing this for yourself.

At this point, you may feel a little less pain.  You are in the zone of rationalizing.  This means the pain is working its way out.  If you have truly cried, you will feel the tears will begin to subside and the pain will be a little less intense.  Continue to listen to how you feel.

Afterwards, you may find you will feel drained, but somewhat refreshed.  You will feel more in touch with yourself.  If you have truly let the pain ride, you will feel empty of your tears and even of the pain for a moment.

As you move forward into your daily routine, you will find that you will begin to move forward from that painful time in your life.  The pain will not be completely gone at first, but you will have worked through most of it.  The remaining pain, which is a minimal part, at this point, will leave with time.  You just keep being healthy, and more importantly, you will not have suppressed your pain.  You are on the road of complete healing from an ended relationship.

I found pain to be a healer. It is similar to a sore that has broken the skin, and regardless of how deep that sore is, it has to be cleansed. If it is not cleansed it becomes infected.  If you can endure the discomfort it will subside after the germs have been removed. Then you cover the sore to protect it from any further germs.  The healing process begins.

So it is in dealing with your bleeding heart.  The cleanser is your reality of the pain you feel.  Anger and tears are the purge.  The cover of the sore is your emotional awareness and new found knowledge of how to protect yourself from emotional damage by being true to yourself in dealing with the pain.

Welcome to the world of emotional healing.

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About dontdestroyrelationship

I am passionate about Relationships. To be in a Relationship you need skills. Some of the best skills to have are: a creative perspective, strategy in developing a win-win for both sides, be able to speak and receive honest communication, stay persistent, yet calm in conflict, some negotiation skills, and humor. These skills and more you need--- without emotion. If you have logic as the primary and emotion as secondary, there is nothing you cannot overcome in a relationship. I tell you how you bring destroyers into your relationship. Join me! It is a fascinating and revealing journey.
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