How a couple handles an argument is the most critical time to measure where you both are as a unit in addressing your problems. If you cannot create resolve to your arguments, you are not solving anything together. You are only repressing problems in the relationship, until one day an issue comes up that adds an overload of anger and frustration, due to a buildup of all unresolved past arguments. Problems do not go away in relationships; they fester and build until they reach a breaking point.
If the overload does not cause a breakup, it will cause a breakout where one partner will seek external comfort, understanding and solutions elsewhere.
We try to avoid an argument at all costs. Even at the cost of creating fractures and separation in the relationship, because we avoid talking about conflicting issues. When we are forced to reckon with a problem, our energy becomes negative with anguish in having to deal with an argument.
Avoiding and mishandling arguments speaks loudly as to what we need to do to make an argument more productive, with less intensity, while learning how to end with a resolve that both partners can live with, learn from, and move on while strengthening the relationship.
An argument should never primarily be about who is right. Taking this approach reaps more negative results of who has to admit they are wrong. No one wants to be wrong.
Rather than fight for the cause of “I am right!” Fight for the cause of “Let’s Get This Right!” instead. This gives you both something to work towards.
Yelling to be heard, or to verbally over power your partner is not only disrespectful, but also immature. Try using better self-control, by using your logical side only. Your partner is not going anywhere. Waiting to speak decreases the heighten acceleration of the argument.
Blurting out an insult is a painful verbal strike. Saying something to offend your partner makes you appear hypocritical. You have been living with that insulting thought in your mind for how long?
An argument has no room for pride. Pride never solves anything— ever!
Shutting down the argument, shelving it for later, or walking away, gives the impression you do not want to accept your part in the problem, nor do you care.
Straying off the subject prolongs the problem.
Being stubborn in your position shuts down your ability to listen, and minimizes your understanding of what your partner is saying.
Responding during the course of the argument with, “yeah right”, “you’re right”, or any similar response, means the argument is going nowhere.
An argument is not a venting platform. If you are using arguments to vent, the communication is weak and the relationship is unstable.
A solution to an argument should contain three things:
· A logical conclusion.
This is accomplished by proposing better behavioral responses and options to the situation; and reflecting on how to incorporate those actions the next time around.
· A final calm reinforcement of the agreed solution, to ensure there are no heart feelings, no further concerns on the issue, and avoidance of that same issue from happening again.
This is done by doing a recap of what the new actions will be should a similar issue come up again. This is a good time to reaffirm your love, assuring your partner you have his/her best interest at heart. Seal it with a hug and kiss. Then move on!
· An apology. Admit when a mistake has been made.
Just because the focus is not solely about who is wrong, does not relinquish the responsibility of the one who has made a mistake. Your ethical system should be strong enough to admit you have made a mistake.
Natalie, I loved this! Your wisdom of words and sound thinking, always ignites a meditation of reflection from your readers! Your intructions/education that you bestow on your readers is nothing short of magnificent!
Mahalo nui loa!