I would like to share an experience with you, because I know someone is in the process of making a tough decision. I hope sharing this experience will help. This experience is regarding a man I had dealt with; but does not denote that men are the problem. The issues enclosed are for both men and women who have these emotional destroyers.
I had gone the distance for him and went the extra mile to understand him. Provided support for him whenever I could and fought with him to try to save us. Tried to move beyond the stuck in the mud routine many relationships do not recover from— only to end up dead smack in the middle of bullshit. I had taken the low road and did not argue— only to end up in an argument. I asked him to understand me. Told him again and again how much I loved him, and even explained why— only to be met with resistance. I loaned him money, but he could not re-pay me.
I am a person who has a difficult time in dealing with anyone who breaches on their word. In his case, I gave him a pass, but I did not tell him why I had done so. I did it for me in order to believe in him, and accept his word. He was too proud of a man for me to tell him. I build people. I do not destroy them.
I eventually learned that if someone breaches on their word, they cause you to breach on yours. Not because you do it to spite them, but you must pull back and stop giving your very best to someone who is giving their very least. Their efforts are so minuscule, and when they do make a step, they think it is one big giant step for mankind, when in truth; it is only a baby step in a giant footprint.
This type of person does not understand the power of reciprocity on any level because they live in fear of scarcity— in which they continue to generate scarcity and are always in need of money.
I tried to reason with him in my silence. (Sometimes silence speaks louder than words.) I tried to reason in my deeds towards him. I tried to show him goodness regardless of his laid back nonchalant behavior. In moments of conflict, I put our issues aside to be there for him in his seasons of grief. Regardless of what I had done, all he could do was reminisce on people in his past who did not fulfill their word to him. All he could speak about was women who said they loved him, and ended up hating him instead.
I began to understand his problems. He was too fearful to open his heart to love due to past experiences. He used cynicism to shield his vulnerability of fear to trust again. He judged me, not knowing he was trying to discourage me, because I have an insatiable energy that he could not own for himself, because he was just too worn out from the struggles in his life. He loved me, but could not fight his fear of losing to love again. He could not learn me, because he was too deep rooted in his own problems. He was so busy striving in life, that he never learned how to thrive in life.
I understood it, but again, more than enough was just not enough.
For him I made exceptions. I scaled back on my personality; tried to pull back my strong energy, and tried not to intimidate him in bed. I learned that when I made these exceptions, I lost in the end. Ultimately, I had to end the nonsense, because if I had not, the nonsense would have destroyed me.
I have said the words, “I am sorry” (even when I was right) only to be told that I could not accept when I was wrong. (He was not aware that I had openly repented to one person in front of a church with a congregation of 400 people years before I met him. Many people do not have the chutzpa to do this, much less the sincerity to even want to). He did not know in that experience I was taught humility earlier in life.
Rather than seeing my confidence, that was built through my accomplishments, in spite of my struggles, he saw me as cocky. He could not understand “why” I was because he never took the time to know “who” I was.
I could not continue to be in a negative relationship when I have to continually offset the negativity of someone who is brilliant, but not smart enough to know that the negativity he puts out generates a continuation of the negativity through the laws of power.
I had to say good bye to this buffoonery, after exhausting every try, every word, every smile, every deed and every explanation.
I moved forward, feeling sad that I had to bring it to an end. It is hard to let go of someone I love. But, I also felt good, knowing in my soul, I gave him my all— more than I would normally give— just to be certain I had put some sacrificial measures in place to give the extra, in a situation where more than enough, was simply not enough.