Cheating is one of the most controversial and challenging subjects in relationships. The experts make strong arguments from both social and sexual monogamy perspectives, but not from an empirical one.
Empirically speaking (factually rather than theoretically), it is very difficult for experts to support and defend monogamy. Yes, it is difficult. According to the article called, The Argument For Sexual Exclusivity, http://www.salon.com/2011/07/16/monogamy_pro/, there was one biologist, willing to defend monogamy. When asked about sexual and social monogamy, he responded with, “How is it that, from humans …, you can be so strongly socially bonded — what we might call “love” — with one individual but be able to have sex with another? That’s because the two systems can actually operate independently in our brain.”
According to an article in the LA Times, “Monogamy Isn’t Easy, Naturally,” it starts out by stating, “Monogamy is definitely under siege….. The culprit is our biology.” http://articles.latimes.com/2009/nov/22/opinion/la-oe-barash22-2009nov22
Can we logically justify our expectations for monogamy in our relationships?
In religion, the price for not being monogamous is soul damnation. Despite the repercussions, it is quite difficult for some people to adhere to the spiritual laws regarding this. In their non adherence, they are risking soul damnation.
Thinking in terms of the spiritual difficulty, and the mandated sacrifice in abstaining from this, where do we stand as a mortal, in asking for the same sacrifice in our relationships? Technically, we don’t.
Are we asking too much of our partner? Are we asking them to defy a biological function? If the answer is yes, how can we expect such a sacrifice, when we are neglectful in the relationship? Why do we expect so much, yet give so little?
Most of us take our partners for granted, and do not consistently bring our best self to the relationship. We create the disadvantage by being negligent, and in doing so, we create the cheating advantage. We really do not make it hard for our partners to cheat. We let our appearance deteriorate. We deviate from our health routine, become sloppy and overweight. We are negative, proud, uncommunicative, unmotivated, stagnated, self-entitled, and selfish. And we expect 100% sexual exclusivity? Let’s be realistic.
Oftentimes, when we find our partner has been cheating, it is in those moments we begin to take introspection. We give thought to the ways we need to change; or we stand defiant in our deficiency. We also wonder what the other person had that was more appealing in comparison to ourselves. We know the answers. It was everything we did not do. If you check my post: “Boredom to Whoredom,” https://dontdestroyrelationship.wordpress.com/2013/01/16/boredom-to-whoredom/,
it explains how we are boring our partners to cheat.
If we were to take a poll of those who have cheating partners, it would be interesting to know if the period of cheating occurred during a complacent period.
We are not bringing it that hard to mandate the sacrifice of monogamy.
Why is cheating really a problem for us? Are we expecting our partner not to cheat in order for us to feel safe, coupled with an illusional feeling that we will never be alone? Is it our desperate need to belong to someone? Is it all about us? Or is it really primarily about love?
If you are really sexing your partner, as often as it takes to meet both of your sexual needs, what are the chances of your partner cheating? If you keep the home front exciting— who would want to leave that? We all yearn for adventure. If you have a relationship, where both partners are growing together and superseding the mundane normalcy of relationships, where could either of you go to achieve that same level with someone else?
If we bring it hard, at least 97% of the time (always shoot for 100%), then we would have something to propose to our partners about not cheating. If we are bringing it that hard, and our partner cheats— life is definitely not over for us. There are many options to choose from. Hey! When you’re hot, you’re just hot! When you are a go hard individual, somebody always wants the pipe and somebody always wants the punani.
We cannot expect sexual exclusivity when we are not bringing our best exclusively.