We underestimate the power of spoken words, and fail to see that words cut deep, leaving a wound by which very few rarely recover. If there is some sort of recovery, the memory and the pain is rarely forgotten. Some of us remember every cruel word we have ever been told in life. We all have been shaped, inspired, mortified, or devastated by what someone has said to us. Any statement that attacks how we look, who we are, how we are, and the level of intelligence we have, or not, we remember.
Every. Single. Word.
Perhaps the power of words and their impact originally started with Mother. The first woman to talk to us, teach and tell us what to do; and our first disciplinarian. Mother either inspired or verbally destroyed us— good, bad or indifferent. The words we took in to live by, abide by and even fight by were credible, because they were spoken by our Mother. Unfortunately, we were never really taught a defense system on how to self-protect, against the words of those who did not hold our best interest at heart. As adults, words still have just as strong of an impact today as they did back then. Many of us have tried to use various defense mechanisms in an effort to thwart off the pain of words that sometimes feel like rape to the core of our emotional system. Most mechanisms we use only appear to protect us, because they make us a little less feeling, a little less intimate, and sometimes, socially awkward.
As a result, we have a level of vulnerability we are uncomfortable in exposing.
Vulnerability does not necessarily denote weakness. It is a choice and the birthright to being human. It takes courage to allow our partner in to a very fragile place. The place where our love runs deep, or where our fears lie, or our shortcomings that may reveal a side, that we are not hiding, but being a work in progress does not always reflect our best personality.
When it comes to our relationship, we need to feel totally connected. The real connection happens in a relationship when we have allowed our partner in to a very vulnerable place in our heart. When our partner is in that place, we feel a true connection. And, when our partner allows us in, a bond is established that can be difficult to break. Perhaps the place of vulnerability is where the deep relational connection occurs. We have to risk something to gain something. According to Psychology Today, “… the vulnerability we try desperately to avoid may be the key to a successful relationship.” http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/feeling-it/201209/vulnerability-the-secret-intimacy
The worse thing a partner can do is use the inside track about us, turn around, and use it against us. This often occurs during an argument, when he/she brings up the vulnerability to use as ammunition. This is called, “Violation of Vulnerability.” We must never take our partner’s information and use it against them. Making the choice to destroy the trust of sharing vulnerability is a mistake that is so close to permanent damage, the relationship truly suffers. The walls of trust are severed and distance is created. We become the enemy and breach to the relationship.
Choosing to use vulnerability as ammunition means two things: someone has a very weak position in the argument, and the love in the relationship is just not strong enough.
Again. Make no mistake. Vulnerability does not always mean weakness.
The partner who shares vulnerability is the strongest. One chooses to reveal— one chooses to conceal. Hiding in a protected cocoon, is only an illusion, and does nothing but reveal vulnerabilities. Our vulnerabilities are never really hidden. In an attempt to cover up, we uncover. The more we try to protect, leaves a higher risk of not being protected. The partner, who opens up, removes the paralytic boundaries of fear, and the unrevealing partner allows fear to supersede. The fearful partner is the weaker of the two. One chooses to try— the other chooses not to try.
Exposing vulnerability takes strength and it generates strength. Revealing is actually healing.
Take the risk of vulnerability. Both partners working together will create the balance of sharing, rather than one trusting and the other not trusting. If we are balancing the sharing of our vulnerability, we are less apt to do a “Violation of Vulnerability” because we both have something to lose.
We are being entrusted with the heart and core of the one we love. Let’s act like it. No argument, and no discussion should ever cause us to sever or sacrifice that love, because the heart and vulnerability of our partner is in our hands to nurture, treasure and hold close.
Never be the cause of Violation of Vulnerability.