Up the Understanding! Understood?

It is said that communication is one of the biggest challenges in relationships. According to statistics, we are not doing a good job in communicating.

Maybe we communicate more than statistics tell us? We have all of the communicative means necessary to do so: texting, talking, writing, email, etc. We are talking on the phone while walking obliviously and stupidly across the street during a green light. We are communicating via text while driving.  Are we talking about a bunch of “nothingness?”

Perhaps the problem is not entirely about the lack of meaningful communication.  Maybe we are overlooking one major component? Once we realize we need more of it, and we need to use it all of the time in dialogue; and then learn how to use it, we will communicate more effectively, and strengthen the bond of our relationships in a more meaningful way.

The missing component is, “Understanding.”

It is one of the most underutilized tools in conversations. We are misunderstanding each other more often than not. We appear to understand. We even nod in agreement as if we do.  In some ways, we do, but for the most part, we do not. We are told understanding is what we need, but have no clear direction on how to develop it.

If we really had understanding down to a science, there would be no war.  If we had understanding down pact, there would  not be misinterpretations and various versions of truth from messages we have heard.  If we had more understanding, we would not be frustrated with our partner for misjudging us.  If we had understanding, we would have less misperceptions and more accurate conclusions with precision.

Understanding is the ability to accurately perceive, comprehend, grasp and process conversations; arriving at an accurate conclusion of what has been said (not what we think we have heard), while being empathetic towards a person or situation.

When we are misunderstood by our partner, we feel isolated, alone, and alienated in our own relationships and bedrooms. We shut down, close down and keep things inside, in frustration of being misunderstood.  This creates distance;  leaving room for someone else to understand our partner.  Nothing is more frustrating than being misunderstood.

We find we connect better, and have meaningful conversations, all the time, with the one who understands us. More often than not, when understanding exists between two people of the opposite sex— having sex is not very far from the connection. If sex has not happened yet— it has definitely been considered or is being considered.

Understanding creates a strong bond and it continues to grow, because the conversations continue to build, therefore knowing that person becomes easier, and things just flow naturally.  It is very difficult to break up  a couple when they totally understand each other.  There are no hold backs, and no pullbacks when we find someone who really understands us.

In order to have understanding you must train yourself to use the following tools: perception, discernment, a mental thought process, and listening.

Perception means to become aware of, know or identify by means of the senses. Mental Process is the process of thinking. Discernment is the quality of being able to grasp and comprehend what is obscure. (If you dig deeper into the meaning of understanding it is also defined as the superior power of discernment; enlightened intelligence.) http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/understanding
Listening is actively taking part by concentrating on the words and expression of what your partner is saying and also how he/she is saying it. http://www.d.umn.edu/kmc/student/loon/acad/strat/ss_hearing.html

It is also important to be fully present when engaged in dialogue. Do not mentally go ahead of the conversation, but take in every word. Do not judge on past experiences to draw a conclusion. Do not draw parallels from other situations. Do not judge.  Judgment limits your understanding of the situation. You cannot be entirely empathetic while judging. Try to put yourself in the place of your partner in order to see and feel what they are going through. Take note of the nonverbal clues.  Listening, watching, feeling and observing are all absolutely critical to your getting an understanding.

Restate certain statements during the conversation, with as minimal interruption as possible, to let your partner know you understand what they are saying. Before drawing a conclusion, ask certain questions to critically analyze if your thoughts are correct— prior to saying what you think the conclusion or solution is to the problem.

Remember your partner needs your understanding and needs to be understood.

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About dontdestroyrelationship

I am passionate about Relationships. To be in a Relationship you need skills. Some of the best skills to have are: a creative perspective, strategy in developing a win-win for both sides, be able to speak and receive honest communication, stay persistent, yet calm in conflict, some negotiation skills, and humor. These skills and more you need--- without emotion. If you have logic as the primary and emotion as secondary, there is nothing you cannot overcome in a relationship. I tell you how you bring destroyers into your relationship. Join me! It is a fascinating and revealing journey.
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10 Responses to Up the Understanding! Understood?

  1. Liz Willis says:

    Natalie, thank you for “UNDERSTANDING” the neccesity of your weekly anticipated blogs! Again, you have captured and captivated your readers into another yet another world of awareness!

    Communication and understanding is our comprehensive mechanism of collaborating together “to form a more perfect union”.

    Listening: The key to allow understanding to take its course.
    Understanding: The key to better relate.

    You have, as always administered our Vitamin for the the day, which will transport us into the weekend! Thank you for our supplement! Vitamin NB. (Natalie’s Blog)

  2. Jabbo says:

    This is not to say you both reach the same understanding? You’re just saying that you are suppose to understand where your partner is comming from and vise versa. The last paragraph is on point but what if their reasoning to get to the understanding is off course. How do you uderstand? I just stop there and nod ok and say I understand. I guess what I’m trying to say. Can you not reason togerther and reach an understanding?

    • Mr. Jabbo,
      For you and me to come to an understanding in understanding the understanding of what you are trying to understand about what I wrote about understanding—can you please help me to understand exactly what you are trying to understand? ; )

      • Jabbo says:

        Nothing specific. Ok, say my 13yr old daughter is wearing stretch jeans. I say the jeans are too tight. My wife trying to explain to me they are not tight, they are stretch jeans. I see them hugging my girls body, all form fit and everything. I agree they are stretch jeans but they are still tight on my 13yr old body.

  3. That is a tough one. As a father, your view of your daughter being exposed, by her body being outlined in a pair of stretch jeans, is hard. You may have to understand that in these cases perhaps Mom has the better view. As women, moms know when too much is too much. You may need to reach an understanding in trusting Mom on this one? And you being the protector can continue protecting by discerning whether the boys who call for your baby girl are into her for who she is or what she wears.

    But keep speaking up, because when mom and daughter goes shopping they have you in mind, your voice is in their ear, and they do not want to have any extra trouble in hearing anything from you! So in a silent way, you are the fashion discipline, consequently, you are keeping both of them in check! ; )

  4. Jabbo says:

    I loose! for the time being.

  5. Jabbo says:

    Ok, say you sex partner have a problem with sex three times a week because it’s uncomfortable when penetrating. On the other hand you looking for it 5 times. Should I understand her problem and she understand mine and we find somebody else who can accomidate us. if yes, what if we were married.

  6. My answer is based on the assumption that your sex partner is doing her annual gyne due diligence and she is healthy. ‘

    If you are well endowed, it is imperative you make sure to get her hot and wet for you. Most women are capable of delivering a 9 pound baby. I must assume you and she are sexually, compatibly fit, where she can take you as often as she likes.

    Regarding reaching an understanding of an additional pussy in the bed, I highly doubt she will agree to a sister wife (type) of arrangement. I have yet to find women who are willing to do that.

    You can be creative in proposing not always making sex about the penetration five times a week. (Unless you guys are sexing it like that, she may need a day or 2 of recuperation.) There are many other enjoyable edible ways, and erotic sexual massages to enjoy and who knows, she gets hot enough, it will end in penetration. Ask her what her fantasy is, and work to make it happen for her— if you work it right my man, and she is sexually charged, she may just do you 5 times a week.

    Anything is possible when things get hot and steamy!

  7. Jabbo says:

    You are good. You come up with some very good reasonings. Did you go to school for this.(not really a question)

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